Schlagwort: adult

Here we are, Here we go…

Learning to heal

Sean again! Last time we explored how we experience scaring and damage to our natural Lovemaps:

Recap

To recap: Most of us have grown up in a patriarchal world where we are exposed to skygod religions (Judaism, Christianity or Islam) which are invested in a patriarchal, omniscient, judgmental god. In addition, most of us have experienced rejection, loss, separation fear or embarrassment with regard to our bodies, our feelings, our affections or attractions at least in part to our environment and the people around us. 

Therefore, most of us can relate to and/or empathize with feelings of isolation, inhibition, being misunderstood, and/or unappreciated. All of these can spring from real or imagined intentions and actions of others.

This blog-lesson will begin to explore how we can start to heal and recover.   

Awareness

So, how do we raise our awareness?

A good place to start is with an inventory. Therefore, the next couple of blog-lessons are going to be a bit more interactive. In other words, I am going to provide a frame/outline and you are going to be encouraged to fill in some of the blanks This will help you to get a better understanding of who you are, including how you experience and have experienced the relationships in your life.

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance

Nathaniel Branden (1930 – 2014), US-american Psychotherapist and Autor

People in our lives

Starting with an inventory of the people in our lives. These include our first relationships and influences and continues to the people we interact with today. In order to keep things in perspective I would suggest keeping it simple. Hence, I have developed a three-word system to describe the people in your relationship history.

The idea is that is to think of each person listed in the inventory. The person or people described can be added to or subtracted depeding on you. This means, you can adapt the list to mirror your relationships and the people in your life.

Instructions

• First: you write down the name of the person you are thinking of.
• Second: write down the first word you think of in connection with this person.
• Third: think of a positive/plus/helpful/favorable/flattering word to describe this person. Write it down.
• Fourth: think of a negative/minus/unhelpful/critical word to describe the person. Write it down.

The inventory should only take 15 to 20 minutes to complete. Do not over think it. Go with your gut, remember first throughts.

An Example

• My first infatuation: Redhead – sleepovers – lost
• My Boss: Independent – creative – critical

3-Word Inventory:

Person: First Thought – Plus – Minus

Earliest: First Thought – Plus – Minus

• Mother:    ____________ – _____________ – ____________
• Father:       ____________ – _____________ – ____________
• Grandmother: ____________ – _____________ – ____________      
• Grandfather:  ____________ – _____________ – _____________         
• Close Family:  _____________ – ___________ – _____________    

Firsts: First Thought – Plus – Minus

• Friend: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
• Teacher:  _____________ – ____________ – ____________  
• Infatuation:  _____________ – _____________ – ____________     
• Romance:   _____________ – _____________ – ______________
• Best Friend: ____________ – _____________ – _____________

 Current: First Thought – Plus – Minus             

• Best Friend: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
• Good Friends: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
• Your Boss:  _____________ – _____________ – _____________      
• Best Colleague: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
• Child(ren): _____________ – _____________ – _____________               

Intimate: First Thought – Plus – Minus

• 1st Intimate Relationship: ___________ – ____________ – _________ 
• Significant HHIA Relationships: ____________ – ___________ – __________
• Current HHIA Relationship:  ____________ – ___________ – __________       

Once you have completed the inventory, it is a good idea to let it sink in. This means putting it away for a day or two and then revisiting it.

Upon revisiting the inventory, think about the words that you chose.

Do you still agree with them? Would you like to change one or the other?  Why?

Go ahead and write down the new words. Be sure to keep the first ones and add the modifiers, if you wish. This is your private inventory. You can keep it for yourself and revisit it periodically.

“Who are we, who is each one of us, if not a combination of experiences, information, books we have read, things imagined? Each life is an encyclopedia, a library, an inventory of objects, a series of styles, and everything can be constantly shuffled and reordered in every way conceivable.”

Italo Calvino (1923-85), Italian writer, Six Memos For The Next Millennium

Feelings and Memories

As we look at the people in our lives and our relationships in this condensed form, we may remember experiences and feelings which have been hidden, put away or forgotten. These feelings and memories are key to our healing and learning.

This process is our first step towards understanding and enriching our relationships with ourselves and others; intimate, familial and platonic relationships as well.  

Our memories and feelings are shaped by more than the people we knew and know. On the one hand we build relationships and create bonds with the people in our lives. On the other hand, people, we know and people we don’t create experiences and impressions that affect and inspire emotions and thoughts. Subsequently, these thoughts and emotions tend to color and inform our relationships and decisions regarding romance and intimacy.

I would love to know what you think of the inventory and any other comments. Next time we will look at some of those experiences and impressions. Until then this is Sean signing off. Be good to you.

Till next time: Our Blog-Lessons –1–2–3–4–5–6–7–8–9–10–11–12–13–14–15–16

Lovemaps (1)

How did we get here?

Hey I am back. Sean here! After looking at „Where we come from“ in the last blog-lesson. This time we are going to look at „How we got here“ from a clinical perspective (lovemap). Hence another perspective on attraction, desire and preference. The ideas and concepts we are going to explore fill up more than a couple of books.

The premier book, “Lovemaps” by Dr. John Money is a very detailed clinical examination of the concept of Lovemaps; “…an idealized and highly idiosyncratic image”. In other words, lovemaps “…depict your idealized lover and what a as a pair, you do together in the idealized, romantic, erotic and sexualized relationship.” 

Our lovemaps can be correlated to our native languages. On the one hand, they develop naturally and are completely individual. On the other, they are peppered with familial, social, cultural and environmental input. “A lovemap exists in mental imagery first, in dreams and fantasies, and then maybe translated into action with a partner or partners.”

Biology or Environment

Clinical research quoted by Dr. Money suggests that our Lovemaps begin in Utero before we are born. This is reflected in hormone research which examines the levels of the three “sex hormones”: progesterone, testosterone and estradiol.

These hormones occur in both male and female development. Boys and girls have all three, just with different levels or ratios.

Research suggests that our preferences and behavior are at the very least, influence if not established in the unborn brain. The quoted studies include mammals mentioning sheep and monkeys. 

The masculinity and femininity of the brain can be affected by testosterone and estradiol levels. In this vein, our perception of ourselves and our attraction to others begins in our brains in our mother’s wombs before we are even born.

An example of this is the recording of a male erection by sonogram. Up to now we do not have any way of recording the corresponding female vulval vasocongestion in utero.

After we are born, we continue to present such reactions, again more readily recognized in boys. This happens both when we are awake and when we are asleep. This often occurs in REM sleep which is associated with dreaming.

Zero to Five

Sooner or later during the first year of life we recognize the sensual nature of our genitals in response to rubbing, squeezing, touching, and so on. Following this discovery, around three or four children begin to show flirtatious rehearsal play. This is most often patterned after models in our social environment including seen on TV and computer screens. This behavior is often directed at parents or older children.  

Around five, or even earlier in kindergarten and preschool, we begin to have a larger number of “agemates”. This allows flirtatious play to become playmate romances, often boyfriend/girlfriend playmate romances.

Consequently the development of our lovemaps can include playmate sexual rehersal behavior including kissing, playing doctor, or other intimate expressions depending on our eperiences and environment. Ethnic and cultural differences can influence these behaviors as well.

Eight is Enough

Ultimately about eight years old two partners participating in sexual rehearsal play may become bonded in what could be called a love affair. And at this point children seem to have established what Dr. John Money calls a “native lovemap”. A native lovemap is a correlate to a native language which develops naturally both biologically and environmentally through experience, ability and our environmental input. In short our lovemaps, our native love maps are mature around the age eight.

What happens next is our topic for the next Blog-lesson. I hope this has been interesting, informative and gives you something to think about. It would be great to know what you think about the concept of love maps. 

More about me.     

Till next time: Our Blog-Lessons –1–2–3–4–5–6–7–8–9–10–11–12–13–14–15