Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 37

Where we want to be: Together

In Between

Where, When, How…

Here we go again, This is Sean. And the world keeps spinning, our stories, our lives and our HHIA Relationships  continue to grow, expand and deepen.

We have talked about introductions and initial meeting. We have gone through the digital spaces and potential first dates; like coffee. Now we can look at going on dates and dating.

Photo by Javier Sanchez Mingorance on Scopio

Dating

Dating someone is an exploration and pursuit of connections and intimacy. A balance of excitement and comfort. We share more and more of ourselves with the person/people we are dating.

On the one hand we are the explorer. On the other hand, we become the explored. Ideally, we become mutual pioneers venturing into a new world together.

For a dinner date, I eat light all day to save room, then I go all in: I choose this meal and this order, and I choose you, the person across from me, to share it with. There’s a beautiful intimacy in a meal like that.

Anthony Bourdain

An Adventure

In this vein, we tend to present ourselves in situations that highlight our pluses and minimize our minuses. Our dates are doing their best to do the same. In the process we hope to find a space and and a partner who accepts and appreciates us as much as we appreciate and accept them.

To this end, we want to choose our environment and presentation as much as possible. In the give and take of the dating dance. We can make choices and encourage our dates to do so as well.

Photo by Marek Kalhous on Scopio

Getting to know each other better

At the moment our choices are a bit limited but not impossible:

  • more coffee to go 😊
  • going for a walk
  • walking in the park
  • visiting a garden
  • making a tour of your neighborhood as tour guide
  • making a tour of your date’s neighborhood as a guest
  • a photo safari
  • be by the water
  • window shopping
  • picking up take out
  • grocery shopping
  • creatively cooking together
  • playing a game/cards
  • riding the bus/subway together
  • going for a drive

All of the above are good ways of getting together, inspiring dialogue and making choices together. Negotiating roles and experiencing our reactions with one another helps to create a deeper understanding and encourage intimacy on many levels. 

(All of the above can also be enjoyed with social distancing and both hygienically & socially responsible considerations. We are experiencing a pandemic in 2021)

Making Space

Choosing neutral spaces and our dates comfort and safety can also play an important role in the growth of trust and expansion of possibilities with each other. 

Photo by Bianca Brunschwiler on Scopio

A Better Place

Most important is to be clear and honest with yourself and your date. Speaking openly and honestly face to face about your needs, desires and concerns is much more effective than per text, email, voicemail or even by phone.

The fact is, when you date an artist, you have to know that they’re going to sing about you.

Tove Lo

Our Space

In person we can experience each other and create our own space in truly sincere and individual ways.   

That is all for now. Next time we will be looking at making space while sharing space.

This is Sean. Try just sharing your space with yourself (and with someone else perhaps) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.   

(You can always contact me for more concrete suggestions.)

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time!

Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 36

In Between: Meeting in the Middle

Being Together (1)

Where, When, How…

Here we are again. Exactly where we want to be. Or at least where we choose to be. Those of us lucky enough to be able to choose….

But, I am getting off track.

This is Sean and I am here because I want to be.

Where are we now?

We are here in the moment creating, maintaining, supporting and improving our HHIA relationships. Our relationship statuses can affect where and how we choose to meet our others. After exploring how we make time, we are looking at a few potential places to meet and enjoy the company of others in this Blog-Lesson.  

On the one hand, where we are in our relationships can affect where we choose to meet our partners. On the other hand we can always restart, reboot and reframe how and where we choose to meet each other.  

With this in mind, we are going to start at the beginning:

Photo by Mastechart Productions on Scopio

Digital space

Today’s initial meeting spaces include a variety of digital formats from Facebook to Grinder/Tinder and every portal in between. These spaces a have positive aspects, as well as, challenging aspect to them. They allow us to explore, examine and express at the click of a button. Simultaneously a separation between our inner-self; internal spirit and our outer-self: outgoing personality can develop and act as a hurdle for real connections; intimately or physically – in person.

Digital Management

Digital Management can include both time and space boundaries for ourselves and the people we meet/interact with in these spaces. Choosing when and how long we choose to be on/in a platform can help us to acknowledge and be present in both the digital format and our physical reality. Keeping them in balance. Choosing to be our most polite and considerate selves is another way to help increase and enhance our experiences in such spaces.

(Contact me for more specific suggestions which can be discussed in more detail: Changing Formats, Texting, Pictures, Chat, Voicemail, among other options.)    

Photo by Nicolette Wagner on Scopio

Space Age

They say any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

Alan Shepard

Where do we meet each other. We physically meet in a place, a space, somewhere. After our initial interaction with someone, we can choose to get to know them better. We can:  

  • Organize coffee,
  • make a date,
  • plan to get together,
  • schedule something,
  • see each other,
  • arrange a call,
  • work out a get together,
Photo by Robin Steffensen on Scopio

Coffee, Tea and Me

Let’s start with coffee. Meeting for coffee or tea in a café/coffee shop has a lot of advantages: It is

  • public,
  • safe,
  • daytime: morning or afternoon,
  • time limited in nature,
  • they are everywhere,
  • a great variety

There is the possibility of something sweet without the expectation of more than it is. Coffee is a great way to meet and share a moment with someone. A quick espresso to go can easily evolve into a sit-down Frappuccino with a croissant and/or biscuit with a smile and conversation. It’s all up to you both.

Coffee to go

I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee

Clark Gable

(This is of course when we can sit-down in a coffee shop again. In the meantime, coffee to go can turn into a picnic/coffee and conversation on the move. Flexibility in the pandemic is a big part of our choices at the moment – FEB/2021)

Photo by Lina Khalid on Scopio

That’s all for now. We will be back with a look at First & Second Dates, and living together.

This is Sean. Try just being with yourself (and with those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

(You can always contact me for more concrete suggestions.)

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time!

Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 35

Back to the in Between (3)

Meeting in the Middle & Finding Time

…and we are back again. After looking at using our time and effort. This is Sean. And I am ready to delve into making time rather than timing ourselves.

In other words,  we are going to explore how we make choices and schedule ourselves around our relationship goals. This is important for all of us independent of our relationship status and experience.  

Actually, this is also an exercise in revising our options and strategies for creating, maintaining and/or supporting (repairing) our HHIA Relationships.

Photo by Nihal Raj on Scopio

Make Time not War 😉

Making the most of our time is not the only option we have. Actually, we can be a lot more proactive than we think or believe. We are making choices in every moment of our waking lives.

We choose to or not to:

In just the first 5 minutes…. 😊

  • get out of bed
  • snooze
  • make/drink coffee/tea/water/juice
  • shower
  • shave
  • make the bed
  • check our phones
  • read messages/emails
  • eat/cook/make something
  • or not

Making the time to do what we want is perhaps even more important than making the most of our time. We choose our actions. We choose how we spend our time. This is especially so when we actively think about our time, schedule our time, plan our time. Equally impotant is to stick to our plans/schedules.

Photo by Antonio Moreno Morales on Scopio

Time After Time

Often, we just let things happen. People tend to be creatures of comfort. We are also creatures of habit. This means that most of us most often choose the path of least resistance.

These choices tend to become patterns. And, unfortunately, these patterns can quickly become habits. Often habits we do not even realize we have created or allowed to manifest.

Time for a change

Sometimes, these patterns and habits begin to feel like “the truth” and “reality”. They are neither.

On the one hand “the truth” is of our own creation and on the other hand „reality“ is always in flux. Hence, we have the power to create/make/schedule time for the things we want and the things we desire.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Anthony G. Oettinger
Photo by Tariq Keblaoui on Scopio

Back to the Future

Enough of what was and back to what we want. We want to have healthy happy relationships, intimate encounters, and adult time. This is all possible and even probable. The deciding factor is us.

How exactly do we make time? We schedule it. Stick to the schedule. Let our schedule free us. Freeing ourselves from indecision, insecurity, doubt or nervousness. All of this can be achieved in dialogue and communication with those we wish to be with.

Time is a created thing. To say ‚I don’t have time,‘ is like saying, ‚I don’t want to.

Lao Tzu

Scheduling is Key

When we choose to schedule ourselves, our goals, our partners, and their goals, we can find the time to get closer to one another. And as in most things practice makes perfect. If at first we dont succeed, try and try again. Every day is a new opportunity to love ourselves and others and achieve our goals.

Photo by Nneamaka Boyo-Emmanuel on Scopio

Together

We can make time to be with another person or persons:

  • Eating together
  • Sitting together
  • Walking together
  • Going to bed together
  • Waking up together
  • Working out together
  • Reading together
  • Watching _____ together
  • Cooking together
  • Just being together.

There is no right or wrong amount of together time. Each individual and each relationship has to find their own balance. At the same time, this is a big part of what relationships are about. Being together and spending time with one another.

Scheduling time together encourages “spontaneous” togetherness, patterns and habits which support our relationships.

Finding the balance between time for ourselves and time for our relationships is a constant juggling act. We have to be sure to keep our eye on the prize. The prize we want.

(You can always contact me for more concrete suggestions.)

This is Sean. Try just making time for yourself (and for those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time!

Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 34

When, Where, How…

Photo by Chris Verster on Scopio

Back to the in Between (2)

…and we are back. Sean here with you reviewing our options and strategies for creating, maintaining and/or supporting (repairing) our HHIA Relationships.

Our current relationship status is irrelevant. It is important that we want to make our relationships a priority.

In Time

If we are not in a relationship, then we need to consider who we would like give our time and attention to explore the possibilities.

If we are in a relationship then we want to think about the focus of our time together and apart from our boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, and/or partners.

Photo by Miguel Mimoso on Scopio

On Time…

Time is as much a part of our relationships as love, affection and communication.

On the one hand the time we spend together allows us to share love and affection, as well as, to communicate and share ourselves on the other hand the time we spend together has both limits and boundaries and the quality of our time is affected by the choices we make.

For example, if we only have an hour together, do we:

  • Cook and eat
  • order in or grab a bite
  • watch TV
  • read silently together
  • read to each other
  • play a game
  • play music
  • drink a glass of ….
  • talk
  • have a laugh
  • make love
Photo by valentina alvarez on Scopio

No right or wrong 

There is no right/wrong answer. The right answer is what makes you feel closer to your partner: Do you like to play games? Are you foodies? Do you enjoy a good book or poetry? Is music your creative outlet? Are you both cineasts? Can you go on and on about… Are you always in the mood.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Theophrastus

As long as you are both “on the same page”. It brings you together. It is important to incorporate a bit of confirmation and communication to ensure that “our time” remains fresh and inspiring to both ourselves and our partners.      

Photo by Michael Williams Astwood on Scopio

Quick Question

Sometimes just a quick:

  • Is this good for you?
  • Are you having fun?
  • Are you feeling this?
  • Would you like to do something else?

can be enough! These can go along way to ensure that our time is encouraging intimacy and togetherness rather than filling the void or space between us.

We can also talk about what we do and what we like and what is on our minds. This is especially true if we begin to feel like we are not enjoying our time an our togetherness as much as we used to. This is also true if we begin to wonder “why?”.

In other words, if we begin to get/be used to each other or our activities begin to be more habit than inspiration, we might want to change things up or at least discuss our feelings.  

Photo by Sarah Hammond on Scopio

Attention

When we give out time the attention it deserves we can help to ensure that the time we are able and choose to spend with others encourages and supports the relationships and feelings we have about those with whom we spend our time.

Thus, time is as much an aspect of relationship building and intimacy as much as we allow time for our relationships and intimate experiences.

Using our time is one thing.

Making time is another.

We will tackle this next time.

This is Sean. Try just enjoying your time alone (and with those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 33

Back to the in Between(1)

Meeting in the Middle

Sean here: Back in the middle and ready to be in the in between. Whether we are meeting someone for the first time, the hundredth time or on our 50th anniversary. Meeting someone in a mutual space and with common interests is always an opportunity and a challenge.

On the one hand the opportunity is to build and establish more trust and greater respect and closer intimacy. On the other hand, the challenge can be to avoid conflict, unhelpful habits or repeating negative patterns.

Photo by Alexander Korenyugin on Scopio

All in Common

For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community.

Joe Biden

Our direct communication and active listening skills can help us to establish and/or support trust, respect intimacy and even love. Additionally, our mindset and intentions can assist us in our expression of our common and shared togetherness.

Mind yourself

Mindset and intentions are significant:  

  • You are the most important.
  • I need…
  • Do you like me?  
  • Are you right?
  • Do I want to be right?
  • No matter what. 
  • Do you want me?
  • I know what I want.
  • Is being right more important?
  • I am unsure.
  • How invested am I in winning?
  • Who am I If…?
  • Am I ok with being wrong and/or apologizing?
  • Can I be loved and not know the answer? 
  • We are equal and stable together.
  • And on and on.
Photo by chelsey ray on Scopio

Vibrations

How we feel and think about ourselves and the ones we are with comes across. This is true whether we want it to or not. It is noticeable, recognizable and real. If something is not quite right with you or not quite with the ones we are with; we and they can tune in to the “vibe” if we want to.

Our intention and “vibe” can be focused on mutual, common and shared truth and existence. This allows us to be truly together in a space in between our needs, desires, doubts and insecurities. In other words, we can create a space just for us (me and you, you and me, I and the other). In this space we can be ourselves and find each other.

Creating and maintaining this space can take a moment, a while or a lifetime.

Photo by Javier Sanchez Mingorance on Scopio

This depends on the willingness and ability of ourselves and our others to let ourselves just be who we are, when we are, and where we are.   

When, where and how we meet in the middle next time.

This is Sean. Try just being with yourself (and those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Photo by yahya hajja on Scopio
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Indirect Communication (3)

Signals

This is Sean. I am back and ready to continue with our discussion on HHIA relationships. We have been exploring communication, both direct and indirect.

Direct communication includes: Eye contact, I statements, asking questions and active listening

Indirect communication includes cues, hints, signs and signals.  

Photo by Josh Joshua on Scopio

One Two One

One the one hand, direct communication and active listening are ways to encourage trust and intimacy. On the other hand, indirect communication can create confusion, frustration and insecurity. These feelings do not encourage comfort or affection.

Ready, Set, Go

We are ready to take a look at some of the signals we are confronted with every day.  

The signals we send and receive every day include:

Photo by Daniel Poggioli on Scopio

Ring my Phone

Ring tones are great and there are lots to choose from. But what happens when we give different Apps and different people different tones. Hmm… Sounds like a lot. How do we remember who is who and what is what?

This can also happen in our relationships when we give and/or receive more suggestions and signals rather than clear statements or messages. This can cause confusion and misunderstandings in our intimate relationships.

Intensity like signal strength will generally fall off with distance from the source, although it also depends on the local conditions and the pathway from the source to the point.

Charles Francis Richter
Photo by Dennis Ingara on Scopio

Red & Green

Then there are signals which we are all taught and learn to interact with. A prime example are traffic lights, right? So, traffic lights are “universal” – almost always red and green and often with yellow.

Cherry Green

Consequently, we all know what these lights stand for:

  • Red = Stop
  • Yellow = Caution
  • Green = Go

Ultimately, they are far from absolute in response or reaction. Many if not most people slow down when they see a yellow light. However, some, if not quite a few, people speed up “with caution” to get safely through the light. I even know a driver who believe in the concept „Cherry Green“. In other words, racing through the first seconds of the red light.

Photo by Tosin Arasi on Scopio

Stop-n-Go

Our relationship, romantic and intimate signals can be equally recognized by others and yet be interpreted differently. Thus, we are helping ourselves and our partners when we are able to give clear and concise instructions/ expectations associated with the signals we give. This is especially important around Stop and Go (Yes & No) messages relating to issues of consent and comfort.  

Happy Faces

One last, and seemingly omnipresent, „signal“ in todays’ world are emojis. Love them? Hate them? It really doesn’t matter. As texting, SMS, WhatsApp, Messenger, Facebook, Instagram, and other social media and message services on our phones, tablets and computers continue to increase, so do the emojis and like symbols in our daily life. And every so often more of them come into play.   

These can be quick and cute and confused. Everyone thinks they know what they mean and how to use them but, do we really? Do we really always know exactly what it being intended, inferenced or alluded to?

Eggplant Parmesan – A quick illustration.

  • A young woman texts her mom “What’s for Dinner?”
  • Her mom Replies: 🍆🧀 😊
  • Girl Replies “😲Yuck… that’s disgusting. We are not having ____ ______ !”
  • Mom Types “😳What!!! We are having Eggplant Parmesan.”
  • Girl texts: “Mom you are never to use the 🍆 emoji ever again! 🤪”
  • (The blank spaces are to comply with the family & google friendly standards. For the solution contact me.)

It turns out the eggplant emoji just as many relationship and romantic visual signals and cues can be interpreted or used for a variety of meanings, not just the obvious ones, by different groups and individuals we interact with.

Photo by David Gallo on Scopio

Cristal

Clarity and the ability to explain what we mean when asked can really support our comfort and tenderness with our partners. Maintaining a bit of humor and a cool head when giving or receiving explanations or corrections of our responses to signals also encourages tender and supportive communication.

Understandably, misinterpretations and a need for clear explanations can occur as we learn and adjust our signals and interpretations. This it true with new partners and with partners as we grow together and enter new phases of relationship.

This is me. Try being clearer with yourself (and those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 31

Indirect Communication (2)

This is Sean, back in the saddle and ready to ride, so to speak.

We are together again. After exploring some verbal communication that can be less than helpful; hints, clues, etc.

This time we are going to peak into the potential pitfalls of signs and signals when trying to communicate and understand each other.

Photo by Ahmad Badr on Scopio

Signs of the Times

“Smiling is sometimes the sign of invitation, but do not take it seriously if it is only someone’s habit.”

Ehsan Sehgal

In other words, we can look at the signs in our lives and consider how well they inform us about the world around us. Signs we are considering include:

  • Stop Signs
  • Speed Limit Signs
  • Animal X-ing
  • Children at Play

Traffic signs are generally understood as being internationally understood.  However, the German word for traffic is also used for intercourse. Stop signs are pretty clear but many if not most of our traffic signs are open to interpretation. This is also true of the signs we experience in our intimate lives as well.  

Photo by sonia fasoli on Scopio

Traffic

Speaking of traffic signs, most of these are related to potential, in both directions (more/less, faster/slower). And, there are often more than one sign posted together. This suggests that the sign is not expressing exactly what is happening when we see the signs. A good example of these are the animal crossing and children signs. The truth is that there might be animals and/or children. The message is more accurately pay attention than „children at play“ or „Bear Crossing“. This often leave us to our own devices and expects us to understand and react “accordingly“. Hence, we are responsible for our reaction and the result. This can be a heavy burden in the bedroom. We can avoid being singularly responsible and absolutely to blame by actively communicating and actively listening to each other.

Photo by VICTOR HUGO ZERON on Scopio

Seen the sign

We have seen the sign(s) and we are expected to act accordingly. On the one hand this can be helpful for further exploration, on the other hand there are no definite or clear instructions/ direction. Through active listening and asking questions we can confirm our understanding of the signs we see.

and then there is also:

  • Advertising
  • Bilboard
  • Posters
  • Labels
Photo by Charry Jin on Scopio

Want Ads

Looking at advertising we have to remember that the advertiser is both attempting to inspire a reaction and a result. Thus, the message is often full of “meaning” and inference.

Form and Function

This meaning and inference is often culturally and socially specific and can be easily misunderstood. Let`s consider the experience of an American baby food company which tried to break into the African Market. The company’s very successful strategy and marketing included picture of beautiful pink smiling babies on the jars. Unfortunately, African food labels on cans and jars are known to picture the contents. Hence the African shoppers thought the jars contained babies as food!

Photo by Tami Scholtz on Scopio

Steer Clear

Considering how devasting such a misunderstanding can be in our relationships. It is always a good idea to discuss and actively interpret the signs you and your partner use with one another; together. This can be done often. Some signs and interpretations and meanings can change over time. The clearer we are with each other, the better our communication and intimacy can flow.

This is Sean. Try being kinder to yourself (and those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 30

Indirect Communication (1)

Details and Context

Hello! This is Sean and here we are. We are delving into the indirect communication we discussed in the last Blog-Lesson: Cues and Hints. These are synonyms and associated with inspiring actions or responses in different contexts.

These communication methods are dependent on our understanding of the situations we are in and the messages being expressed.

Photo by Justin Reyes on Scopio

Cues

Cues are most often thought of in the theater or performing arts where they are used to instigate an action. In other words they are and indication that we should react.

First recognizing cues, such as:

  •  “Say Something…”,
  • ” …and you?”
  • “Any thoughts?….”
  • “Hmmm..,”
  • „…“ (an extended pause)  

Then, considering our situation, our cue giver, and/or the conversation itself can help us to respond in a way that supports rather than hinders our trust, intimacy and feelings in our relationships. 

Photo by Owuamanam Michael on Scopio

Hints

Hints have a similar function. However, we find hints more often in games and “intelligence” tests like quiz shows and party games

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.

Robert Frost

Hints like:

All of these request and suggest that we already know the answer. We just need to makke a bit more effort.

The cursor: prompt

A good example of the indirect and often unclear intention of a hint is the cursor. The cursor is the blinking line on the computer screen “asking” us to give something of ourselves to the digital world.

On one hand we see the blinking line and feel the urge to do something while on the other hand we often are unclear on what we should type. we are promte to respond and react or in some cases to freeze!

Photo by Brycen Aiken on Scopio

The naked truth

Simultaneously, making an undefined request and suggesting an expectation of understanding can be confusing, intimidating and even frightening. This is especially true if we are feeling vulnerable or exposed.  

In intimate situations when we are open, bare and perhaps even naked, hints can be really difficult to understand, follow, or respond to.

In such moments, through thoughtful direct statements and active listening we can transform hints and cues into clarity and comfort.

Photo by Tariq Keblaoui on Scopio

That is all for now. Next time we will look at signs and signals and our responses to them.

This is Sean. Try being considerate of yourself (and those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 29

Cues: Between and Beyond

This is Sean. I am back with you to further our discussion of HHIA Relationships and how we create and maintain them. Building on our exploration of actively expressing ourselves and actively listening to those around us, we are going to look at other modes of communication.

Photo by Jun Pinzon on Scopio

Communication is Key

Relationships, especially Happy, Healthy and Intimate ones are based on communication. We have explored clear expression and active listening. On the one hand, these two activities are excellent ways of communicating. On the other hand, there are a lot of other ways we have learned and are taught to both give and receive information.

Photo by Tariq Keblaoui on Scopio

Words and Actions

In other words, we have essentially two primary ways of expressing ourselves in the world: words and actions.

Words start out as sound and receive meaning through perception and interpretation. Some of our first words are no, yes, ma, da, and so on. Words then develop into sentences and eventually language.  

Actions are movement. In simple terms, we move toward things we like and away from things we don’t like. This action is initiated by attraction, belief, and/or intention. Truthfully, we do not know if we like something or someone until we actually interact. These actions become patterns and habits, ultimately creating behavior.

Between & Beyond Words    

We do receive information/input in from other sources between and beyond words and direct action:

  • Cues – “Say Something”, …and you? Any thoughts? Hmmm..
  • Hints – Warm, Cold, More, I am thinking of…  
  • Promts – „Jump“ „Simon Says“…  
  • Signs – Stop, Yield, X-ing, Children, Advertising
  • Signals – Traffic lights, Blinkers, Emojis  
Photo by Tyler McKay on Scopio

All of these things have a lot in common. They are all created/intended to inspire a response. We learn lots of these from our parents, family, friends, social groups, culture and religion. Another thing these things have in common is that they are often indirect, culturally varying and open to interpretation. This makes them all challenging to always understand and appropriately apply.

Music makes or breaks an atmosphere. It helps to create the mood and also is a very important aural cue; simply shut off the music when you want people to leave.

Lisa Vanderpump

Achieve and Avoid

Due to both their flexibility and their coded nature, we tend to use them when trying to achieve and/or avoid experiences. This has the potential to inspire misunderstandings, a lack of clarity, and is often experienced as nervousness or insecurity because we lose our sense of security and connection when we do not understand what is being expressed. We can be associated with the “fight or flight” response.

Photo by Axel & Maria Weiser on Scopio

Fight or Flight

Consider the times you have been misunderstood or misunderstood someone or something yourself. This is how we all feel when things become unclear or indecipherable. This is objectively noone’s fault and can be resolved when we calm down and clearly express, ask, and actively listen to the intentions and desires of ourselves and those around us.

In conclusion, I invite you to think about some of the ways you, your friends and environment use Cues, Hints, Promts, Signals and Signs to inspire and create actions and responses in your life.

  • Are they always clear?
  • Does everyone interpret them the same way?
  • Is the result always satisfactory for eyerone involved?

Next time we will explore some examples and how we can improve our understanding and our use of these communication styles further.  

This is Sean. Try being nice to yourself (and those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 28

In Between

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

Victor Borge

Sean – in the mix. Whether we are expressing ourselves or actively listening, the in between is where we begin to share and create trust and intimacy.

Photo by Ismael Jr. Thuco on Scopio

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Titel hier eingebenHealthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 28

Just as with our intentions and actions, the intention is the beginning. The action is our attempt to express our intention. Then our partner’s reception and interpretation of our action is the result. Hence, what we create between us is key to the positive expression, reception and interpretation of both actions and intention.

What else is there?

In other words, the world we exist in is subjective and our perspective and interpretation of the world is based on our experiences. This is also true for your romantic interest(s), your girl-/boy-friend, your partner(s) and spouse.

The more positive input we have and try to put into the world around us results in a safer and more trusting environment. This environment is the space between ourselves and others.  

Photo by David Goncalves on Scopio

Affirmative

In other words, maintaining our affirmative ambiance/atmosphere can be supported by the following:

  • Being nice to ourselves
  • Forgiving ourselves and others
  • Considering that most people are doing the best they can, in the moment, including ourselves

On the one hand the more positive we make our environment, the more attractive our environment becomes, on the other hand the more attractive our environment is the more we experience positivity.

Some ways of insinuating positivity in to your environment include:

  • Smiling
  • Eye contact
  • Active listening

Ultimately encouraging more communication between ourselves and others.

Photo by David Goncalves on Scopio

Talking

Naturally, we find it easier to talk with people who exist in and are creating a similar atmosphere.

Communication and understanding can become a little bit more challenging or strained when we have different backgrounds, upbringings, and perception of the world around us.

Hence, to improve are chances of both understanding being understood we can use active listening and positive expression to encourage a “trusting and save” “in between” each other as we communicate.

Photo by Nina Gorbenko on Scopio

Attraction

Attraction may be a completely different experience. When we are attracted to someone who is creating a different vibe than we are used to, it can be intimidating or interesting. Both can initiate excitement.

At the same time, when we meet someone who wants to share our space or even participate in creating it. Feeling the same and/or responding in kind can be a first step. And then, we are on our way to creating a relationship space.

It can be helpful to remember that our relationships exist both within our hearts and heads, as well as, outside ourselves in a realm of their own; in the in between.

This is Sean. Try being nice to yourself for a week, a day, an hour, a moment, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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