Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 42

In Between

Relationship Rituals

This is Sean here and we are discovering how we create, maintan and support our HHIA relationships. We have looked at creating space with time and trust. This time we are going to deal with the simple and sublime ritual.

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Time and Trust

I believe in rituals.

Charles Simonyi

Rituals are a significant part of our lives. They allow us to focus and enhance our intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual states. Depending on the ritual and the intent we are able to grow and maintain connections, talents, skills and knowledge. In other words rituals are a vital and integral part of our lives.  

Daily, Weekly, Monthly

Our rituals range from daily to weekly, monthly and annually as well as once in a life time events. One the one hand rituals are part of our daily lives offer us structure and strength in a moment. On the other hand, rituals provide focus and systems to support us.

Rituals can be enjoyed both together or individually and can range from:

  • Snoozing
  • Making Coffee
  • Serving Tea
  • Breakfast / Brunch
  • Prayer
  • Yoga
  • Cooking
  • Locking the Door
  • Taking a Walk
  • Driving
  • Getting Together
  • Cleaning
  • Going online
  • Dancing
  • Dating
  • Baptisms
  • Birthdays
  • Weddings
  • Holidays
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Just About Everything

Most of the things that we do can be ritualized and made more significant and sacred through our awareness and intention. When we make a date for example. We can intentionally choose a location that is special for us or for our date. We can be aware of the time and weather. Ideally, our choices and preparation help us to emotionally connect with the experience, our partners and ourselves in the moment.

Intent and Awareness

Through rituals we can find greater understanding of our selves and our partners. Rituals are also an opportunity to express our intellectual interest and emotional enthusiasm with regard to our HHIA relationships.

These can range from:

Initially, rituals can help us to focus our energies and intentions to a single goal or relationship. Over time, rituals help us to remain in sync and aware of our purpose and intentions within ourselves and our relationships. Ultimately, rituals help us to enhance and support our awareness and intentions through our days and lives.  

Rituals are important. Nowadays it’s hip not to be married. I’m not interested in being hip.

John Lennon
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Enthusiasm & Interest

This awareness and intention can support our enthusiasm and interest in our lives. We can also be rescued or liberated from habits, routine, addiction, and even boredom through ritual.

These rituals can also include incorporating romance into our lives and loves. We will consider romance in relationship next time.      

This is Sean. Try being aware of your intentions for yourself (and with those who are important to you) this week and see what happens.

(You can always contact me for more concrete suggestions.)

Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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In Between

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Living Space

Sean here and we are together again! Our last Blog-Lesson focused on making space for our relationships to grow and develop. Getting to know one another better.

Now lets look at making space and time in our lives when we are living together. Living a life together. After feeling each other out and deciding we fit together. In other words we choose to make a life together and begin to address some of the realer and truer sides of ourselves our partners and our lives.

Living Life Together

Subsequently, we begin to share a life. For some of us this includes moving in together and for some of us it means sharing two apartments, houses, living situations, and so. Either way we find ourselves sharing two lives. In this intimate phase of a relationship, we begin to form more routines and processes which begin to revolve around our daily lives, rather than around our building our relationships. 

Daily Lives

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Often, the more time we spend together sharing our lives and our days, the more comfortable we become. People being creatures of comfort and habit can get really comfortable in our communal experiences. Our shared lives become “our life”. And if we aren’t careful our life can fill up with all the little things:

  • appointments
  • school
  • jobs
  • further education
  • commuting
  • traveling
  • shopping
  • cooking
  • cleaning
  • volunteering
  • gardening
  • errands
  • laundry
  • dishes
  • bills
  • taxes

„Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten.“

Lord Bramwell
Photo by Hayley Johnson on Scopio
  • parents
  • family
  • friends
  • holidays
  • pets
  • children
  • website/blog
  • career…

Leaving less time and less room for romance.

On the one hand “our life” gets bigger and fuller. On the other hand our HHIA Relationships can be left to fend for itself. And, without enough attention our relationships can get lost in the shuffle or be left out in the cold without us even noticing.

Putting „us“ first… or at least back on the list

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So, how do we make space and time for us this great big life we have created?

I know we have heard this before, and yet:

The simple truth is we choose to make time and space for each other. This is true in every relationship form: friends, family, romance, business, partnership and marriage from day one to our diamond anniversaries and beyond!

Communication is key: Check out Blogs 25, 26, 37 and 38 to refresh. 😉

Science is not only a disciple of reason but, also, one of romance and passion.

Stephen Hawking

Five Minutes a Day

Here are a few 5-minute exercises to try together (daily, in silence, & preferably mobile/tablet free):

Just do something together in silence every day, when you can!

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Spontaneity is great! However, planning, scheduling and deciding together helps to create purpose intent and awareness which enhances the effect of our togetherness.

All of this helping to create, maintain, encourage and support a physical, bodily comfort and intimacy.  

This is Sean. Try doing something with yourself (and to those who are important to you) in silence for 5 minutes every day this week and see what happens.

(You can always contact me for more concrete suggestions.)

Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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When, Where, How…

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Back to the in Between (2)

…and we are back. Sean here with you reviewing our options and strategies for creating, maintaining and/or supporting (repairing) our HHIA Relationships.

Our current relationship status is irrelevant. It is important that we want to make our relationships a priority.

In Time

If we are not in a relationship, then we need to consider who we would like give our time and attention to explore the possibilities.

If we are in a relationship then we want to think about the focus of our time together and apart from our boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, and/or partners.

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On Time…

Time is as much a part of our relationships as love, affection and communication.

On the one hand the time we spend together allows us to share love and affection, as well as, to communicate and share ourselves on the other hand the time we spend together has both limits and boundaries and the quality of our time is affected by the choices we make.

For example, if we only have an hour together, do we:

  • Cook and eat
  • order in or grab a bite
  • watch TV
  • read silently together
  • read to each other
  • play a game
  • play music
  • drink a glass of ….
  • talk
  • have a laugh
  • make love
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No right or wrong 

There is no right/wrong answer. The right answer is what makes you feel closer to your partner: Do you like to play games? Are you foodies? Do you enjoy a good book or poetry? Is music your creative outlet? Are you both cineasts? Can you go on and on about… Are you always in the mood.

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

Theophrastus

As long as you are both “on the same page”. It brings you together. It is important to incorporate a bit of confirmation and communication to ensure that “our time” remains fresh and inspiring to both ourselves and our partners.      

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Quick Question

Sometimes just a quick:

  • Is this good for you?
  • Are you having fun?
  • Are you feeling this?
  • Would you like to do something else?

can be enough! These can go along way to ensure that our time is encouraging intimacy and togetherness rather than filling the void or space between us.

We can also talk about what we do and what we like and what is on our minds. This is especially true if we begin to feel like we are not enjoying our time an our togetherness as much as we used to. This is also true if we begin to wonder “why?”.

In other words, if we begin to get/be used to each other or our activities begin to be more habit than inspiration, we might want to change things up or at least discuss our feelings.  

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Attention

When we give out time the attention it deserves we can help to ensure that the time we are able and choose to spend with others encourages and supports the relationships and feelings we have about those with whom we spend our time.

Thus, time is as much an aspect of relationship building and intimacy as much as we allow time for our relationships and intimate experiences.

Using our time is one thing.

Making time is another.

We will tackle this next time.

This is Sean. Try just enjoying your time alone (and with those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Active Listening

Sean, here again: Are you listening? We have been talking about actively expressing ourselves and now we are going to talk about active listening. 

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One word, one thought at a time

Right after expressing ourselves, comes paying attention to the response of others to our expressions. On the one hand we are responsible for sharing ourselves, our thoughts and our feelings and on the other hand we have the opportunity to experience another’s self, thoughts and feelings when we actively listen.

Dialogue

If we take the opportunity and handle it with care. We can allow a conversation to become a true dialogue. Where we actively support our conversation partner and allow them to share in a safe space.

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Actively Passive

We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.

Zeno of Citium, as quoted by Diogenes Laërtius

Essentially taking the communication ideas from Blog-Lesson 25 & 26 and applying them to listening rather than speaking:

  • Eye contact,
  • Body language,
  • making I statements like I am hearing…, I understand….
  • Asking suitable questions

Passively active

Further techniques to encourage our partners to share include:

  • Patience,
  • Smiling,
  • Mirroring,
  • Paraphrasing,
  • Neutral Responses,
  • Reflecting,
  • Summarizing
  • More…
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Benefits

One of the greatest benefits of actively listening is being able to understand and really hear your conversation partner. In other words, you create a space in time where and when you are both able to hear and be heard in a way that encourages trust, support, intimacy and authenticity.

Hence the beginning of establishing potential for more, more conversation, more intimacy and even more authenticity.

If you are ready, willing and able to actively listen, then perhaps you are also ready willing and able to authentically share a dialogue with the ones you are with.

I encourage you to take a chance and make a moment to try out some of these techniques with someone you care about. See how is goes. I would love to hear about your process.

This is Sean signing off.

Your thoughts? Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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looking inward through the lights
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Express yourself (1)

Here we are again! This is Sean and I am here to say “We are on our way!” If you have been following this Blog-Lesson series then you have done the work on yourself with yourself! Consequently, we are now ready to share what we have learned and who we are with the world. In other words it is time to consider and explore communication.

I contact – eye contact.

Do you look people in the eye? If you want someone’s attention, give it a try. People are attracted to and captivated by our eyes. Their shape, color and sparkle.

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“I like you; your eyes are full of language.“

[Letter to Anne Clarke, July 3, 1964.]”
Anne Sexton

On one hand our eyes are one of our most sensitive sensory organs. On the on other hand our eyes are connected directly to our brains. In other words, they are also the window to our souls. They show us how we are feeling and express something beyond words. 

Mirror

Exercise1: Start with yourself..

  • Look at yourself in the mirror
  • Look directly at your eyes
  • Observe their shape and their color  
  • Can you see the whites of your eyes?
  • Roll your eyes and look at how they move
  • Watch them move, what do you see
  • Peek deeper into your eyes
  • See your pupils are they big, small or in between…
  • Look at your irises: blue, grey, green, golden or dark brown 
  • Look for the fire, the glint the energy and enthusiasm.
  • Smile!!
  • Look again and see the smile in your eyes.

Everyone else sees this too! At least those who are paying attention. Get people attention by looking into their eyes. 

An Eye for an Eye

Experiment: Start with friends, family, neighbors and co-workers. You will find they will notice, listen and be more attentive to you when you take a moment, stop and look them in the eye. Additionally, this seemingly small action encourages respect and consideration of the message and presence of others.

I look forward to hearing about your experiences.

Body Body

We have talked about caring for our bodies and hygiene. We have explored how our bodies feel and how we feel when we touch our own bodies. Hence, it is time to consider our bodies are also one of our first transmitters of information and communication. Furthermore, our bodies are a communication tool.  

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Mirror Mirror

Exercise 2: Find a full-length mirror.

  • Stand in front of the mirror.  
  • Look at yourself.
  • Turn to the left.
  • Look again.
  • Turn to the right.
  • Look again.
  • Spin all the way around while looking at yourself

What do you see? How is your posture? Where are your shoulders arm, hands? Are you standing up straight or slouching? Do you feel balanced? Are you stable on four feet/in your shoes? Do you like what you have on? Do you have anything on? Are you alone in private or in a public space?  

Strike a Pose

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A good stance and posture reflect a proper state of mind.

Morihei Ueshiba

Exercise3: Posture

  • Stand in front of the mirror.  
  • Look at yourself straight on.
  • Lift up your chin and look up.
  • Bring your eyes back down.
  • Lower your chin until it is parallel to the ground.
  • Looking at yourself roll your shoulder upwards and backwards until the sit slightly behind your armpits. Feel your body.
  • Pull in your stomach and push your hips forwards.
  • Observe yourself.
  • How do you look now?

Do you see a difference? How much of a difference? Do you like the difference? Each of these exercises can be done with or without a mirror. And can help us to be more aware of how we present ourselves to others in our surroundings. Try lifting your chin and rolling your shoulders before addressing a family member or a colleague and look them in the eye. See if this affects how the react and respond to you in the moment. 

Let me know 😊 what you think.

That is all for this time. Three exercises and two experiments are more than enough for one read. I wish you all the best in your explanations and communications. This is Sean “Be nice to you, please.”

Your thoughts? Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Body (1)

Here is Sean, back again. This time we are going to get out of our heads a bit and explore our own bodies and how they look and feel.

It is important for us to recognize, know and understand our bodies and how they/we respond to external information and impulses.

Photo by Ivan Naunov on Scopio

Similarly, to our minds, thoughts and emotional memories, our bodies have memories as well.

Body Memory

In other words, our bodies remember both “positive/pleasurable/happy” and “negative/painful/traumatic” memories.  This suggests that our pleasure and our feelings of attraction, excitement pleasure may be related to actual physical events we have experienced in our pasts. These events may or may not have been intentional or directly related to our intimate lives.

Our experience of the body is not direct; rather, it is mediated by perceptual information, influenced by internal information, and recalibrated through stored implicit and explicit body representation (body memory).

Giuseppe Riva, Cortex
Volume 104, July 2018, Pages 241-260

Therefore, I am going to describe a few exercises to help us access knowledge and understanding of our own bodies. Read each exercise to the end of the description before you begin. Then as you remember the exercise, experience it for yourself.

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Body-Scan

  • Sit comfortably or lie down.
  • Close your eyes.
  • Think about your feet and be aware of your toes for a moment…relax
  • Think about and be aware of your ankles for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your calves for a moment and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your knees for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your thighs for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your hips for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your buttocks for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your pelvis for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your lower back for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your stomach for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your chest for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your upper-back for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your hands for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your forearms for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your elbows for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your upper arms for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your shoulders for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your neck for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your Jaw for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your tongue for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your chin for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your lips for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your nose for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your eyes for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your forehead for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your whole face for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your ears for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your head for a moment…and relax
  • And now, be aware of your whole body for a moment…and relax
  • Well Done! Now you are in your body, relaxed and aware.
Photo by Ghassan Hannoof on Scopio

Hands

Now, I want you to hold your hands. How do they feel? Are they warm or cold? Are they damp or dry? In other words, do you like how they feel? What are you aware of?

  • Now, hold them tighter,
  • now lighter,
  • cross your finger together.
  • Feel your hands,
  • touch your fingernails with your fingers,
  • lightly press your palms together,
  • touch the back of your dominant hand, caress your “submissive” hand.
  • Consider how they feel to you, as well as, how your touch feels.
  • Switch hands and experience the process again.
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Heart

Again, sitting or lying down.

  • Lay your hands on your chest. In the middle over your heart/breastbone.
  • Let them lay there.
  • Breathe.
  • Feel your chest move as your lungs fill with air…
  • and exhale. Feal your chest as you exhale.
  • Do this for about a minute minute.
  • Be aware of your breath and your chest.
  • Now notice your hands.

Importantly, how do your hands feel? Are they heavy or light, warm or cool? Which hand is on your chest and which is on your hand?  

(The lists, exercises, and these blog-lessons are maintained in a google and family friendly format. For more information, vocabulary, more intimate or direct language, please contact me.)

My Body: Instructions on how to find, build, maintain, repair, and/or improve your Healthy (Happy) Intimate HHIA Relationships with yourself and others.
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Enough 4 Now

Ultimately, I think we have done enough exploration for now. If you want more or have something to share please contact me. This is Sean saying „Be Safe, Love Yourself and Be Well!“ Till next time!

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Lovemaps (2)

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What’s next!

It’s Sean here, I am back with the question: What’s next? Last time we looked at the clinical concept of lovemaps and their natural/native development. This correlates with the development of a native language. In summation, we discussed the clinical concept of our natural lovemaps being unfettered and mature around age eight.

In an ideal environment

That is to say, we are potentially ready at eight years of age to start exploring and enjoying age appropriate love and intimate relationships with agemates. Exploring and Learning in a healthy, supportive and sexually positive and enlightened culture, society and family. Subsequently, we would all grow up well adjusted intimately, intellectually, and emotionally secure. In essence, we would be prepared for the love and loves of our lives as they present themselves.   

In the real world

The idea/concept is fantastically and wonderfully satisfying. Unfortunately, most of us do not live and are not raised in such families, societies, or cultures. The resulting effect is that our lovemaps, our “idealized and highly idiosyncratic image” of ourselves, our lovers and our relationships can and often are negatively impacted.

Lovemaps and their Distortions

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On one hand, our native lovemaps are most often mature and established by the age of eight, on the other, our love maps remain pliable yet fragile. In other words, our lovemaps are at risk of misunderstanding, avoidance, neglect, abuse, prohibition and inhibition. Our natural curiosity and affections can be purposely and/or accidentally hurt, harmed, impaired, distorted, and damaged though experiences with peers and adults as we develop from children to adults and beyond.

…sexuoerotic development is blanketed by an avoidance taboo.

Lovemaps, John Money
Photo by Arianna Lee on Scopio

Our schools, churches, peer groups, and even our homes can be sources of censorship, punishment and embarrassment around the issues of intimacy, affection, and nudity. Sexuoerotic development is often willfully ignored or discounted as innappropriate or unnecessary. Any negative experiences in these areas can adversely impact our lovemaps and our desire or ability to express ourselves comfortably and honestly with not only our friends, family and partners, but also potentially with ourselves as well.

Hurt and Healing

Through these experiences our native lovemaps become injured. As with physical injuries, our “lovemap” injuries must heal. Through the healing process we often develop scars. These scars are reminders of our experiences, our injuries and our healing. In a sense, these “love” scars can be thought of as our own special intimate and sacred knowledge. The truth of both our inherent and instinctive intimate desires as well as our acquired affections and intimate interests.

Lovemap defacement my be extensive, but total obliteration is unlikely.

Lovemaps, John Money
Photo by Rafael Colin on Scopio

The result of our experiences, both positive and negative, in our childhood and adolescent years into adulthood continue to shape and inform our lovemaps throughout our lives. It is never to late to heal and recover. Healing ourselves and our intimate lives. This is part of the process towards establishing a healthy happy intimate adult (HHIA) relationships. We can do this at any age and in every moment.

In this moment, I am going to say „bye till next time“. Next time we will look at where and how we begin to heal. This is Sean signing off.  

It would be great to hear your thoughts!

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All about you

Sean here again and it is time to change direction or focus just a bit. We have been talking about life and love, relationships and attraction in the abstract. In other words, we have been exploring all of these things in universal terms.

Now it is time to talk about and think about you specifically. In other words, a bit of self-exploration about where and how some of the things we have already come into your hear, your mind, your body and your consciousness.

You see we are all a combination of genetics, upbringing, socialization and a variety of information and stimulus from the outside world combined with our reception, perception and interpretation of those impulses.

Self Exploration

Let’s start with your perception of your body, your physical self. This is sort of where we left off last time with the “Timing” of our bodies and the changes we experience during our lives.

The first question we need to explore to understand ourselves is:

Photo by Lola Melani

Where do I come from?

This is a personal variation on the question: Where do babies come from?

The most basic and focused answer to this question is that you were created when a sperm cell entered an egg cell. Subsequently these two cells merge and divide to create a new you.

From this instant a variety of  variables start to come into play. You are affected from the beginning by your mother’s and father’s biology through DNA and genetic combinations. Furthermore, the relationship between your biological mother and father and their feelings about your existence is important to your earliest development.

In other words, you are affected by every action or your mother. While still in the womb you expeience the world through her. These actions include food consumption, exercise, and sleep patterns. Additionally her use of caffeine, sugar, vitamins, alcohol, nicotine and medication impact you in vivo. Furthermore, your mother’s physical and emotional stress comes into play. In short, all of this impacts you before you are even born.

Separated at birth

Birth is your first separation from your entire universe, your mother. 

This can be a natural, medical, or drug induced process that can take a relatively short to an excruciatingly long time. These factors as well as our maturity at birth, approximately 7 to 10 months, have a further affect on our early development.

Then comes the input from our caregivers:

  • Breastfeeding, or not  
  • immediate or delayed response to crying
  • attention and affection
  • helicoptering or absenteeism

All of these have a great effect on your perception of the world from before you can remember.

As a child you have firsts: steps, words, day of school, friendships, and relationships. First, your relationships start with your parent(s), siblings, and extended family. Secondarily, your relationships continue to broaden to your neighbors, your teachers, other children, boys & girls and even your pets and other animals you meet in the world. Thus, influencing how you expand and progress in the world and how you perceive and respond to the world around you as an adult.    

Photo from scorpio

Self-aware not Self-centered

In this vein, contemplating and reflecting on these experiences and relationships can help you to better understand and process your thoughts and feelings. Certainly this includes the people in your life, your friendships, and relationships as well as your thoughts and feelings in these situations and with these people both in the past and today.  

And your thoughts?

This was Sean and that’s enough to think about for one Blog-Lesson.   Next time we are going to continue to explore how you develop desires and preferences with regard to intimate relationships. More about me.  

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Fantasy (2)

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Potentially Problematic Fantasies & Fantasy Objects

We are back with a bit more about Fantasy. This is Sean. Last time we spoke about fantasy and its relationship with self-consent.

All fantasies are potentially positive, instructive and helpful. Still, some fantasies express themselves within taboos, questionable events or with questionable focus. 

Private or Secret

When we think about fantasy it can be helpful to consider if the fantasy is private or a secret. To clarify, privacy is a safe and personal space where we can grow and explore ourselves. However secrets tend to be inherently, or internally considered unmentionable or wrong.

Again, we should remember that objectification is the absense of consent. This does not support the creation or development of HHIA relationships.

Objectification = Absence of Consent

In other words, the focus of our fantasies onto a specific object, when this object is unaware, unavailable, or unsuitable for HHIA relationships, can be harmful. Because we can find ourselves emotionally or physically acting out in less than ideal ways. 

Consequently finding ourselves in unhealthy, unsatisfying and even illegal situations. This depending on our fantasy object and our responses, actions and expression of those fantasies.

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Maybe not in your best interest

Fantasy objects and other fantasies that may not be in your best interest fall into three categories:

First: Those fantasy objects which are specific people who do not know you, whom you don’t know or who aren’t aware of your interest in them. 

The challenge of a specific unknown or unknowing fantasy object, whether it be a celebrity, an ex, or a specific stranger, is their emotional unavailability and your isolation. This disconnect between fantasy and reality can become an obsession. Thereby, restricting our ability to experience real feelings and real attraction. 

Second: There are four potential objects, specific objects or individuals which are unavailable for HHIA Relationships as explored in our first lesson-blog. In other words: children, animals, relatives and the no longer living.

On the one hand we have the potential real-world trouble with a specific unsuitable fantasy object: negative social cultural and legal consequences.  On the other is the negative emotional response to such a fantasy object. This can be feelings of guilt, shame or humiliation.

Finally: The third category of fantasy object or activity which can be challenging is a fantasy which you personally find repulsive, dirty, or “wrong”. Thus, it is unmentionable or taboo for you. These can include a variety of non-conformist, alternative or violent activities.

Working with a partner or a professional to explore the reasons for your uncomfortability could be helpful.

Fantasy – Management

However, fantasies in themselves are healthy and serve a purpose as explored last time.

Because we are talking primarily about narrowing or limiting a fantasy; youth, beauty, excitement, and such, to a specific object, this focus can be avoided or averted through communication. This could be a dialogue with yourself, your partner, a close friend, or a therapist. In this way a fantasy which seems to be a secret can be transformed into a private matter for yourself or you and an intimate partner.

Photo by Awi Deskabelly on Scopio

Giving consent to ourselves and others

All fantasies can potentially be shared and explored with a (the right) partner or partners who are appropriate for an HHIA relationship. This is a choice you can make when ever you are ready. If you need or want help, please, contact me or a professional you can trust.

Thank you for your attention and consideration. I am available and interested in your questions and comments about fantasies; your own or in general. 

Next time we’ll be moving away from fantasy to explore some reality. 

Sweet dreams, till then. – More about me.

Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship

Healthy Happy Human HHIA Relationships 8

Consent (2):

The Right Responsibility

Hello everybody! Sean here to follow-up on our last Blog-Lesson and the concept of consent as well as our communication and understanding of it.

We agreed last time that consent involves: “…two equal partners in an objective situation communicating,…“

But, due to the relativity of concepts such as “equal” and “objective” in our daily lives, we have to be constantly aware of our own feelings and try to be considerate and ask our partners about their experiences in the world.

Our daily lives challenge stability and safety at every turn. Each day is full of events and interactions which can bring questions and concerns about our lives, our bodies, our feelings, and our existence. These are significant to our understanding and communicating consent.

No“ is always acceptable, any time

In other words, simply said:

No“ is always an acceptable response at any time in a healthy, happy, intimate adult (HHIA) relationship. 

And, just to be clear: „Stop“ is „no“ in action or movement and must be acknowledged and responded to immediately. 

Consent starts with our first introduction and interactions, and continues throughout our lives in relationship to other people.

Consent is also a synonym of permission and approval. With this in mind, we could say consent should be confident and maybe even enthusiastic.

If at any time you aren’t getting this vibe, you should probably take a minute or two and talk about what is going on with you and with your partner. What are you wanting to do together, at what speed, intensity and frequency. Clarity is a key to consent, trust and enthusiasm.

Yes, No, Maybe, Maybe Not

Photo by   Patrick Igwe  on  Scopio

Understanding that “maybe not” or a hesitant maybe from your inner voice or your partner suggest an insecurity or sense of danger that can help us to build trust. This uncertainty is an opportunity to explore with each other through conversation and further communication.

Through definition or description you can find greater understanding and clarity about your desires and your partners requests. Your experiences as a pair and as individuals can teach us more about one another and help us feel safe together through dialogue.  

Once you have gotten a confident and enthusiastic „Yes“, you can move forward with your partner with a closer connection than before. 

Everything we have discussed is constantly changing and must be validated and confirmed with new experiences, changes in direction, speed or intention.

Communication is Key

Communication and consideration are keys to building trust, safety and intimacy in our (HHIA) Relationships.

Just as consent is an essential building block of intimacy, love and trust, consent is a constant variable in our lives.

By being aware of our feelings and thoughts about consent and communicating them, we can achieve greater understanding and respect for one another in a relationship.

In this way consent stabilizes and strengthens our bonds through time.  Each intimate instance is based on this simple concept.

To reign this in

Photo by   Tariq Keblaoui  on  Scopio

An enthusiastic „Yes“means yes 

„Maybe“ means No, Not yet, maybe not ever

„Maybe not“ means No, Not now, not yet

„No“ means No

„Stop“ means No = Stop what you are doing! RIGHT NOW!

In other only the word „YES“ and preferably a happy, confident YES means YES = Keep going.

And Yes! That is all for now. Consider this and feel free to let me know your thoughts or ask me questions. I am Sean and I will be back next time to explore some more.