Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 31

Indirect Communication (2)

This is Sean, back in the saddle and ready to ride, so to speak.

We are together again. After exploring some verbal communication that can be less than helpful; hints, clues, etc.

This time we are going to peak into the potential pitfalls of signs and signals when trying to communicate and understand each other.

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Signs of the Times

“Smiling is sometimes the sign of invitation, but do not take it seriously if it is only someone’s habit.”

Ehsan Sehgal

In other words, we can look at the signs in our lives and consider how well they inform us about the world around us. Signs we are considering include:

  • Stop Signs
  • Speed Limit Signs
  • Animal X-ing
  • Children at Play

Traffic signs are generally understood as being internationally understood.  However, the German word for traffic is also used for intercourse. Stop signs are pretty clear but many if not most of our traffic signs are open to interpretation. This is also true of the signs we experience in our intimate lives as well.  

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Traffic

Speaking of traffic signs, most of these are related to potential, in both directions (more/less, faster/slower). And, there are often more than one sign posted together. This suggests that the sign is not expressing exactly what is happening when we see the signs. A good example of these are the animal crossing and children signs. The truth is that there might be animals and/or children. The message is more accurately pay attention than „children at play“ or „Bear Crossing“. This often leave us to our own devices and expects us to understand and react “accordingly“. Hence, we are responsible for our reaction and the result. This can be a heavy burden in the bedroom. We can avoid being singularly responsible and absolutely to blame by actively communicating and actively listening to each other.

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Seen the sign

We have seen the sign(s) and we are expected to act accordingly. On the one hand this can be helpful for further exploration, on the other hand there are no definite or clear instructions/ direction. Through active listening and asking questions we can confirm our understanding of the signs we see.

and then there is also:

  • Advertising
  • Bilboard
  • Posters
  • Labels
Photo by Charry Jin on Scopio

Want Ads

Looking at advertising we have to remember that the advertiser is both attempting to inspire a reaction and a result. Thus, the message is often full of “meaning” and inference.

Form and Function

This meaning and inference is often culturally and socially specific and can be easily misunderstood. Let`s consider the experience of an American baby food company which tried to break into the African Market. The company’s very successful strategy and marketing included picture of beautiful pink smiling babies on the jars. Unfortunately, African food labels on cans and jars are known to picture the contents. Hence the African shoppers thought the jars contained babies as food!

Photo by Tami Scholtz on Scopio

Steer Clear

Considering how devasting such a misunderstanding can be in our relationships. It is always a good idea to discuss and actively interpret the signs you and your partner use with one another; together. This can be done often. Some signs and interpretations and meanings can change over time. The clearer we are with each other, the better our communication and intimacy can flow.

This is Sean. Try being kinder to yourself (and those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 30

Indirect Communication (1)

Details and Context

Hello! This is Sean and here we are. We are delving into the indirect communication we discussed in the last Blog-Lesson: Cues and Hints. These are synonyms and associated with inspiring actions or responses in different contexts.

These communication methods are dependent on our understanding of the situations we are in and the messages being expressed.

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Cues

Cues are most often thought of in the theater or performing arts where they are used to instigate an action. In other words they are and indication that we should react.

First recognizing cues, such as:

  •  “Say Something…”,
  • ” …and you?”
  • “Any thoughts?….”
  • “Hmmm..,”
  • „…“ (an extended pause)  

Then, considering our situation, our cue giver, and/or the conversation itself can help us to respond in a way that supports rather than hinders our trust, intimacy and feelings in our relationships. 

Photo by Owuamanam Michael on Scopio

Hints

Hints have a similar function. However, we find hints more often in games and “intelligence” tests like quiz shows and party games

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.

Robert Frost

Hints like:

All of these request and suggest that we already know the answer. We just need to makke a bit more effort.

The cursor: prompt

A good example of the indirect and often unclear intention of a hint is the cursor. The cursor is the blinking line on the computer screen “asking” us to give something of ourselves to the digital world.

On one hand we see the blinking line and feel the urge to do something while on the other hand we often are unclear on what we should type. we are promte to respond and react or in some cases to freeze!

Photo by Brycen Aiken on Scopio

The naked truth

Simultaneously, making an undefined request and suggesting an expectation of understanding can be confusing, intimidating and even frightening. This is especially true if we are feeling vulnerable or exposed.  

In intimate situations when we are open, bare and perhaps even naked, hints can be really difficult to understand, follow, or respond to.

In such moments, through thoughtful direct statements and active listening we can transform hints and cues into clarity and comfort.

Photo by Tariq Keblaoui on Scopio

That is all for now. Next time we will look at signs and signals and our responses to them.

This is Sean. Try being considerate of yourself (and those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 29

Cues: Between and Beyond

This is Sean. I am back with you to further our discussion of HHIA Relationships and how we create and maintain them. Building on our exploration of actively expressing ourselves and actively listening to those around us, we are going to look at other modes of communication.

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Communication is Key

Relationships, especially Happy, Healthy and Intimate ones are based on communication. We have explored clear expression and active listening. On the one hand, these two activities are excellent ways of communicating. On the other hand, there are a lot of other ways we have learned and are taught to both give and receive information.

Photo by Tariq Keblaoui on Scopio

Words and Actions

In other words, we have essentially two primary ways of expressing ourselves in the world: words and actions.

Words start out as sound and receive meaning through perception and interpretation. Some of our first words are no, yes, ma, da, and so on. Words then develop into sentences and eventually language.  

Actions are movement. In simple terms, we move toward things we like and away from things we don’t like. This action is initiated by attraction, belief, and/or intention. Truthfully, we do not know if we like something or someone until we actually interact. These actions become patterns and habits, ultimately creating behavior.

Between & Beyond Words    

We do receive information/input in from other sources between and beyond words and direct action:

  • Cues – “Say Something”, …and you? Any thoughts? Hmmm..
  • Hints – Warm, Cold, More, I am thinking of…  
  • Promts – „Jump“ „Simon Says“…  
  • Signs – Stop, Yield, X-ing, Children, Advertising
  • Signals – Traffic lights, Blinkers, Emojis  
Photo by Tyler McKay on Scopio

All of these things have a lot in common. They are all created/intended to inspire a response. We learn lots of these from our parents, family, friends, social groups, culture and religion. Another thing these things have in common is that they are often indirect, culturally varying and open to interpretation. This makes them all challenging to always understand and appropriately apply.

Music makes or breaks an atmosphere. It helps to create the mood and also is a very important aural cue; simply shut off the music when you want people to leave.

Lisa Vanderpump

Achieve and Avoid

Due to both their flexibility and their coded nature, we tend to use them when trying to achieve and/or avoid experiences. This has the potential to inspire misunderstandings, a lack of clarity, and is often experienced as nervousness or insecurity because we lose our sense of security and connection when we do not understand what is being expressed. We can be associated with the “fight or flight” response.

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Fight or Flight

Consider the times you have been misunderstood or misunderstood someone or something yourself. This is how we all feel when things become unclear or indecipherable. This is objectively noone’s fault and can be resolved when we calm down and clearly express, ask, and actively listen to the intentions and desires of ourselves and those around us.

In conclusion, I invite you to think about some of the ways you, your friends and environment use Cues, Hints, Promts, Signals and Signs to inspire and create actions and responses in your life.

  • Are they always clear?
  • Does everyone interpret them the same way?
  • Is the result always satisfactory for eyerone involved?

Next time we will explore some examples and how we can improve our understanding and our use of these communication styles further.  

This is Sean. Try being nice to yourself (and those around you) for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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In Between

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

Victor Borge

Sean – in the mix. Whether we are expressing ourselves or actively listening, the in between is where we begin to share and create trust and intimacy.

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Titel hier eingebenHealthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 28

Just as with our intentions and actions, the intention is the beginning. The action is our attempt to express our intention. Then our partner’s reception and interpretation of our action is the result. Hence, what we create between us is key to the positive expression, reception and interpretation of both actions and intention.

What else is there?

In other words, the world we exist in is subjective and our perspective and interpretation of the world is based on our experiences. This is also true for your romantic interest(s), your girl-/boy-friend, your partner(s) and spouse.

The more positive input we have and try to put into the world around us results in a safer and more trusting environment. This environment is the space between ourselves and others.  

Photo by David Goncalves on Scopio

Affirmative

In other words, maintaining our affirmative ambiance/atmosphere can be supported by the following:

  • Being nice to ourselves
  • Forgiving ourselves and others
  • Considering that most people are doing the best they can, in the moment, including ourselves

On the one hand the more positive we make our environment, the more attractive our environment becomes, on the other hand the more attractive our environment is the more we experience positivity.

Some ways of insinuating positivity in to your environment include:

  • Smiling
  • Eye contact
  • Active listening

Ultimately encouraging more communication between ourselves and others.

Photo by David Goncalves on Scopio

Talking

Naturally, we find it easier to talk with people who exist in and are creating a similar atmosphere.

Communication and understanding can become a little bit more challenging or strained when we have different backgrounds, upbringings, and perception of the world around us.

Hence, to improve are chances of both understanding being understood we can use active listening and positive expression to encourage a “trusting and save” “in between” each other as we communicate.

Photo by Nina Gorbenko on Scopio

Attraction

Attraction may be a completely different experience. When we are attracted to someone who is creating a different vibe than we are used to, it can be intimidating or interesting. Both can initiate excitement.

At the same time, when we meet someone who wants to share our space or even participate in creating it. Feeling the same and/or responding in kind can be a first step. And then, we are on our way to creating a relationship space.

It can be helpful to remember that our relationships exist both within our hearts and heads, as well as, outside ourselves in a realm of their own; in the in between.

This is Sean. Try being nice to yourself for a week, a day, an hour, a moment, and see what happens.

Love to hear your thoughts. Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Express Yourself (2)

This is Sean again. I am back with you to continue our exploration of initial communication. After our last Blog-lesson where we looked at eye contact and body language. Now it is time to consider our words.

Use your words

There are two basic communication building blocks we need to consider.

One the one hand knowing what you want to say and on the other hand knowing how to say what you want to say. These two things are most important to achieve good communication. This is why we have been looking at ourselves and exploring what is important for us.

Photo by Camille Nichol on Scopio

What

Hence, we are aware and have considered our own likes, attractions, feelings and desires.  

(You can go back to earlier blog lessons to further explore these things.)  

How

  1. First, be clear about what you want to say: feelings, thoughts, etc.
  2. Second, make eye contact, use body language and be aware your posture (See Blog 25).  
  3. Third use “I sentences…”

I think, therefore I am.

René Decartes
Photo by Gülsüm Kisla on Scopio

– I am, therefore I communicate

A great way to express ourselves are “I statements”.  In other words, using these are a way of expressing ourselves and owning our thoughts and feelings. It is a way of sharing ourselves without giving away our responsibility or our power.

A few examples include: 

  • I believe…
  • I think…
  • When… I feel…
  • I am …
  • What I like…
  • I would like…
Photo by Brit Worgan on Scopio

Questions?

The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein
Quotemaster

After, or even before, sharing ourselves, we can ask questions. Questions show interest and encourage others to share themselves with us. Questions can be open or closed, leading or not.

Some Questions:

Open:

  • Who……?
  • What……?
  • Where……?
  • When……?
  • Why……?
  • How……?
  • Which……?

Closed:

Leading:

Photo by Lina Khalid on Scopio

When you ask a question, be sure to listen to your partner’s answer. Then you respond with another question or an I statement of your own. By listening to your partners words, looking them in the eye and responding “on topic” , you create a communal space. Hence, a mix of questions and I statements can create a lively and really fun interaction and maybe even spark an interest that wasn’t there to begin with.

Take a minute or two and practice this kind of interaction with a friend. Do this with someone you like, trust or know well to practice. And let me know how it goes and what you think. This is Sean wishing you all the best.

Your thoughts? Till next time! Our earlier Blog-Lessons:

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Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 23

Touch

From Head to Toe

Welcome Back! Sean Here – I hope you enjoyed our body exercises last time. Becoming aware of our bodies and our touch can be an interesting and enriching experience. Our bodies are both our „temples and our „playgrounds“. Therefore we are also encouraged to play with/in and enjoy our bodies as well.

I touch myself

In this vein, we are going to go through a touching exercise. We are going to be activily touching and passively being touched over our entire bodies. We can go though the exercise playfully and with self-love. You can be comfortably dressed or undressed. It is all up to you! I would suggest reading through the entire exercise before starting. Then, go for it! Be affectionate to you:

  • We are going to start out standing or sitting confortably.
  • Place your hands on the top of your head.
  • Lay them there and close your eyes.
  • Feel your crown, your hair, your hands.
  • Feel your hands on your head.
  • Caress, pat or reposition your hands on your head.
  • Do this with more and less pressure;
  • add some pressure and lighten the pressure a few times.
Photo by Zuzi Janek on Scopio

Face

What do you feel on your head and in your hands? Do you like the way it feels?

  • Now touch your face.
  • Your forehead, your nose,
  • Caress your cheeks and your jaw and your chin.
  • Lay your hands flat, feel them, let them feel you.
  • Let your fingers trace and explore your face.
  • Adjust the pressure from light to firm and back again. How does all of this feel: in your hands, on your fingers and on your face.

How does all of this feel: in your hands, to your fingers and on your face?

Neck

  • Clasp your fingers around the back of your neck.
  • Hold your hands to your neck.
  • Loosen your fingers and cares your neck and throat.
  • Slide your hands around your throat and neck from the base of your skull to your shoulders, from your collar bone up to your chin.

What do you feel on your neck, your throat. How do you feel in your hands? Do you like it? Do you enjoy your own touch? The way you feel.

Chest, Arms

  • Lay your hands on your chest.
  • Let your fingers touch your chest, your nipples.
  • Run them over your chest, across, under your arms into your armpits.
  • Rub them over your shoulders,
  • Along your arms down to your elbows, fore arms and your hands.
  • Let your hands move back up along your wrists, fore arms elbows, shoulders and back to your chest.

How does all of this feel: in your hands, to your fingers and on your chest, arms and hands? Are you enjoying the affection?

Photo by Alan Rodriguez on Scopio

Hips, heels

  • Let your hands travel from your chest to our belly.
  • Rub your belly.
  • Let your hands flow around your belly
  • Move them up and down your flank from your ribs to your hips.
  • Let your hands flow to your lower back.
  • Run them along your hips.
  • Trace your fingers across your upper thighs and into your lap.
  • Caress your legs and touch your pelvis.
  • Let your hands rest in your lap.

How does all of this feel: in your hands, to your fingers and on your belly, your lower back and in your lap. Do you like your touch? Do you like being touched? Are you enjoying the affection? How do you feel to yourself?

Legs

  • Move your hands along your inner thighs to your knees.
  • Trace your fingers and hand around your knee.
  • Glide them behind your knees.
  • Slide along your outer thigh up to your buttom/buttocks.

What do you feel on your legs, knees, bottom, and in your hands? Do you like the way this feels?

Feet

  • Run your hands back down the back/side of your legs to your calves.
  • Caress your claves, your shins.
  • Hold your Ankles.
  • Sit or lie down.
  • Take one foot in your hand.
  • Rub your foot.
  • Trace your heal and toes with your fingers.
  • Touch the top of your foot.
  • Release and Relax.
Photo by Kirill Gudkov on Scopio

Take a moment and reflect on your experience, your thoughts and feeling.

(The lists, exercises, and these blog-lessons are maintained in a google and family friendly format. For more information, vocabulary, more intimate or direct language, please contact me.)

I hope your exploration and excursion along your body was adventurous and a pleasure. If anything was uncomfortable or tense, you can try the entire exercise or just one section more slowly. You can also try being firmer or gentler with your touch. Have fun and play with yourself. 🙂

It would be great to hear your thoughts. Have a great day.

This is Sean signing off. Till next time.

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Mindset

Sean here! Back in the saddle and looking forward.

We are back to continue towards our best selves and our best relationships. In other words, we are here to learn and lead from our experiences towards our goals and desires.   

With our recognition and examination of our past and present experiences as well as the best, worst and inspiring interactions and intimate experiences, we are now ready to go one step further and look at our wants and desires. 

Let’s get down to brass tacks:

Photo by Lucas Lorizio

Where is your head at?

When you look inward, what do you see as the ideal life/relationship? On the one hand how independent are you? How much „me time“ do you need? How much do you have? On the other hand how much couple time, social time, group time do you find most comfortable?

Are you single? Or are you in a relationship? Are you married?

Relationship status is often just another label, a status symbol to help us make sense of the world.

Firstly, singles often get to make their own decisions and choose for themselves alone.

Secondly, people in relationships have an affininty and an expressed responsibility or fealty to one or more others depending on the nature of the relationship.

Thirdly, married people are really established in their positions as being governmentally and socially recognized as being related to another person with whom they are attached financially and legally.

Ultimately, this is a pretty big deal for most of us. Where do you see yourself in an ideal world?

Photo by Juan Pablo Lopez Rostro

Do you feel loved?

Love is something that we feel for ourselves and others. Hopefully we love ourselves as much if not more than the others in our lives. This is a really good place to start. If this is not the case, it is important to consider how and why your selflove has been diminished. This is not a “game changer” or a prerequisite for relationship building. To be clear, however, self-love is an important aspect to establishing comfort, trust and awareness of our needs and boundaries.

Are you in love?

When you think of that someone (someones) special in your life, do you feel love? Are you inspired by a feeling of attraction, respect and appreciation of the people you have around you and in your intimate daily life? Is there someone or some ideal which inspires you to such feelings and aspirations?

Photo by Mary Pcholkina

Is there romance in your life, in your mind or in your heart?

Ultimately, the above questions and thoughts are important for you and your consideration. After all of these thoughts and considerations it is time to think about “What to do?”. In this vein, how much romance do you have in your life?

Romance and romantic are extremely individual and often overblown in our media and advertising to sell the idea of being loved. In my experience romance is the act of being in love and inspiring love in yourself and others. This is my understanding of romance.

Our culture puts a lot of restrictions and fantastical expectations on romance. Between the perfect lingerie, perfect grooming, perfect timing and perfection itself we mostly fall short of the idealized and cinematic romance of our cultural expectations.

Truthfully, romance is more than “spontaneous overflowing perfect expressions of love”. Really, romance can be as small as a knowing smile or as large as sky writing “I LOVE YOU” or as simple as a small snack to share.

However, romance can also include emptying the dishwasher… because your partner is coming home late, or taking out the trash to “spruce up” the kitchen before dinner.   

Photo by Jun Pinzon

Is there romance in your schedule?

Ultimately, romance is expressing love for yourself and/or for your partner. Why shouldn’t we make time for this kind of action. We make time for so many other things. We call this scheduling.

My suggestion at this point is to look at your schedule or your week if your schedule is that open and consider where and when you want to express and inspire love this week.

This is Sean. Be good to you and inspire love when you can. I would love to hear what you think about all of this. Till next time.

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4 REAL

Healing (4)

Nothing ever becomes real ‚til it is experienced.

John Keats

Hi Y’all! This is Sean here! We are back! After looking at our firsts and our lasts! We are back again. The following exercise(s) will help to round out our experience inventories. Hence, we are going to take a fourth turn on the memory rollercoaster/carousel. We might even go three times around on this fourth round.

On the one hand our firsts helped us to look at our initial experiences. On the opther looking at our last experiences allowed us to contemplate our present reality. We are now going to look at some events in between.

Photo by Leenit Malkar on Scopio

Time after Time

In other words, we have the chance to use a different filter to look at our experiences and our memories of events which we have repeated, time after time, as well as, our interpretation of these events. That is to say, using a few superlatives we can customise our inventories to flesh out our feelings and thoughts about our intimate relationships and experiences.

In the last three Blog-Lesson we reviewed the most significant people in our lives, earliest experiences, and our most recent experiences and our memories. Hopefully these exercises were insightful and more titilating than torture.

Opposites

So, let’s to continue on our way. The next step is to choose which direction we want to focus on. Some identifier options include:

  • best – worst
  • perfect – imperfect/worst
  • funniest – most serious/boring
  • most favourite – least favourite

This is your inventory and you can choose any identifers you wish. I would recommend starting with opposites. Then you can choose how many memories you want to explore between 10 to 15. To be clear, I would again recommend giving yourself approximately an hour for the exercise. This would be between 4 to 6 minutes per memory.

Special Attention

You can also choose 5 encounters per identifier and then choose a third identifier for variety like:

  • most memorable,
  • best story,
  • secret/most private

Remember this is a meditation for you and you alone to begin with. This allows you to decide which identifiers work best for you.

And what exactly is the next step?

Photo by Jeffrey Kieffer on Scopio

This Time

We can restructure the records of our first/last experiences and select the ones you would like to revisit. For instance, with one word change. We change first to last. It could look something like this:  

  • 1. my favourite kiss
  • 2. my favourite date
  • the favourite time:
  • 3. I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • 4. I asked someone out
  • 5. I slept with someone
  • 6. my least favourite kiss
  • 7. my least favourite date
  • the least favourite time:
  • 8. I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • 9. I asked someone out
  • 10. I slept with someone
  • 11. my best kiss story
  • 12. my best date story
  • the best story about the time:
  • 13. I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • 14. I asked someone out
  • 15. I slept with someone

Something like this. This list should include events from your firsts and lasts list.

(The lists and these blog-lessons are maintained in a google and family friendly format. For more information, vocabulary, more intimate or direct language, please contact me.)

Identify

Once we have our new „indentifier“ inventory we can add the first three words that come to mind:

For example:

  • my favourite kiss = husband, first, dancing
  • my least favourite date = whiskey, art, disaster
  • the best story about the time:
  • I asked someone out = bar, bet, YES

To be clear, I would again recommend giving yourself approximately an hour for this contemplation. Do your best to be honest about the first thoughts and words you use to deepen the experience without being too judgemental.

Once you have completed your list of identified interactions with your key words:

Take a minute! Breathe! …And Smile! You have survived them as well. Congratulations!

We have done quite a bit of memories and processing!

Photo by William Shum on Scopio

Inventory Alignment

The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising.

Craig Charles

We can look at our inventories – people, firsts, lasts and defined by printing them out and laying them side by side. Looking at them and their ratings and remembering our defined – (best, worst, funniest) can help us to explore not only our histories and experiences, it can als offer us an insight into our feelings, thoughts, opinions and preferences. Additionally we can begin to understand where these thougths and feelings come from.

Memory

If you are up for it, take a look at your four lists and see where there are similarities and differences. Look at how things have changed from your first to your last experiences and what happended in between. When we put our responses side by sides we can get a picture of our development and begin to understand the “results” of our choices, both positive and negative.

Otherwise, put your inventories away and let them rest for a while. Let them be. You can come back to them later. The meditations themselves are a big step towards healing and owning our presence and voice in our relationships.

I would love to hear how things are going.

Next time we are going to think about our thought and feelings and how this affects our ability to relate.

This is Sean

“Be good to you!”

Till next time.

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Healing (3)

Experience is still the best teacher

Hello everyone! Sean here! After looking at our firsts! We are back at last! (Truthfully, it has only been a week.)

Remembering our firsts helped us to get a handle on our past. I am back to talk about our experiential learning. Two Blog-Lessons ago we looked at our earliest experiences and our memories. I hope the exercise was insightful and more pleasure than pain.

So, let’s to continue to heal. Our next step after looking at our initial experiences is to look at our current experiences. In otherwords, remembering and contemplating our experiences are key to being aware of what and how we have learned from the world around us. As we have navigated our way through the world our experiences have taught us how to interact with others and how to respond to our impulses and our own truth.

And what exactly is the next step?

Photo by Zulkifli Ampatuan on Scopio

Last Time

We can restructure our record of our first experiences. For instance, with one word change. We change first to last. It could look something like this:  

  • my last kiss
  • my last date
  • my last tongue kiss
  • my last intimate experience
  • the last time:
  • I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • I asked someone out
  • Someone gave me flowers
  • I slept with someone

and so on. This list should be as detailed and explicit as your firsts list.

(The lists and these blog-lessons are maintained in a google and family friendly format. For more information, vocabulary, more intimate or direct language, please contact me.)

Photo by Maritza Hernandez on Scopio

Last Dance

Once we have our new „last“ inventory we can rate it 1 – 5 one being fantastic and five being the opposite! In each case whatever the opposite might be: i.e. embarrassing, uncomfortable, etc. Just like the first time!

  • my last kiss = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • my last date = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • my last dance = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • my last tongue kiss = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • my last intimate experience = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • the last time:
  • I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender) = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • I asked someone out = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • Someone gave me flowers = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • I slept with someone = WOW-2-3-4-5

To be clear, I would again recommend giving yourself approximately an hour for the exercise. Do your best to be honest and fair in your evaluation (ratings) without being too judgemental.

Once you have completed your list of last experiences:

Take a minute! Breathe! …And Smile! You have survived them!

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Adjectives

A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

Mark Twain

We can expand our inventory by adding our own adjective to the number one ratings and the number five (5) ratings.

This could end up looking like this:

  • My last kiss – lovely (1)
  • My last dance – ecstatic (1)
  • the last time:
  • I saw someone naked (same gender) – 3
  • I asked someone out – 2 –
  • I had a one night stand – unsatisfying (5)

This has been quite a bit of memories and processing!

Photo by Allyson Zajac on Scopio

Best for Last

If you are up for it, take a look at your two lists. and see how things have changed from your first to your last experiences. When we compare our responses to our firsts and our lasts, we can get a picture of our development and the “results” of our choices, positive and negative.

Otherwise, put your lasts away. Put them with your firsts. You can come back to them later.

I would love to hear how things look.

Next time we are going to talk about our inventories and perhaps explore the „in between“, best, worst, most…, least… or something like that. This is Sean saying “Be nice to you!” Till next time.

Our earlier Blog-Lessons –123456789101112131415161718

Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 17

Here we are, Here we go…

Learning to heal

Sean again! Last time we explored how we experience scaring and damage to our natural Lovemaps:

Photo by Fadi Dahabreh on Scopio

Recap

To recap: Most of us have grown up in a patriarchal world where we are exposed to skygod religions (Judaism, Christianity or Islam) which are invested in a patriarchal, omniscient, judgmental god. In addition, most of us have experienced rejection, loss, separation fear or embarrassment with regard to our bodies, our feelings, our affections or attractions at least in part to our environment and the people around us. 

Therefore, most of us can relate to and/or empathize with feelings of isolation, inhibition, being misunderstood, and/or unappreciated. All of these can spring from real or imagined intentions and actions of others.

This blog-lesson will begin to explore how we can start to heal and recover.   

Awareness

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance

Nathaniel Branden http://www.nathanielbranden.com/

So, how do we raise our awareness?

A good place to start is with an inventory. Therefore, the next couple of blog-lessons are going to be a bit more interactive. In other words, I am going to provide a frame/outline and you are going to be encouraged to fill in some of the blanks This will help you to get a better understanding of who you are, including how you experience and have experienced the relationships in your life.

Photo by Josh Joshua on Scopio

People in our lives

Starting with an inventory of the people in our lives. These include our first relationships and influences and continues to the people we interact with today. In order to keep things in perspective I would suggest keeping it simple. Hence, I have developed a three-word system to describe the people in your relationship history.

The idea is that is to think of each person listed in the inventory. The person or people described can be added to or subtracted depeding on you. This means, you can adapt the list to mirror your relationships and the people in your life.

Photo by Abhishek Yadav on Scopio

Instructions

  • First: you write down the name of the person you are thinking of.
  • Second: write down the first word you think of in connection with this person.
  • Third: think of a positive/plus/helpful/favorable/flattering word to describe this person, write it down.
  • Fourth: think of a negative/minus/unhelpful/critical word to describe the person, write it down.

The inventory should only take 15 to 20 minutes to complete. Do not over think it. Go with your gut, remember first throughts.

An Example

  • My first infatuation: Redhead – sleepovers – lost
  • My Boss: Independent – creative – critical

3-Word Inventory:

Person: First Thought – Plus – Minus

Earliest: First Thought – Plus – Minus

  • Mother:    ____________ – _____________ – ____________
  • Father:       ____________ – _____________ – ____________
  • Grandmother: ____________ – _____________ – ____________      
  • Grandfather:  ____________ – _____________ – _____________         
  • Close Family:  _____________ – ___________ – _____________    

Firsts: First Thought – Plus – Minus

  • Friend: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
  • Teacher:  _____________ – ____________ – ____________  
  • Infatuation:  _____________ – _____________ – ____________     
  • Romance:   _____________ – _____________ – ______________
  • Best Friend: ____________ – _____________ – _____________

  Current: First Thought – Plus – Minus             

  • Best Friend: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
  • Good Friends: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
  • Your Boss:  _____________ – _____________ – _____________      
  • Best Colleague: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
  • Child(ren): _____________ – _____________ – _____________               

Intimate: First Thought – Plus – Minus

  • 1st Intimate Relationship: ___________ – ____________ – _________ 
  • Significant HHIA Relationships: ____________ – ___________ – __________
  • Current HHIA Relationship:  ____________ – ___________ – __________       

Once you have completed the inventory, it is a good idea to let it sink in. This means putting it away for a day or two and then revisiting it.

Upon revisiting the inventory, think about the words that you chose.

Do you still agree with them? Would you like to change one or the other?  Why?

Go ahead and write down the new words. Be sure to keep the first ones and add the modifiers, if you wish. This is your private inventory. You can keep it for yourself and revisit it periodically.

Photo by Ida Winther on Scopio

Feelings and Memories

As we look at the people in our lives and our relationships in this condensed form, we may remember experiences and feelings which have been hidden, put away or forgotten. These feelings and memories are key to our healing and learning.

This process is our first step towards understanding and enriching our relationships with ourselves and others; intimate, familial and platonic relationships as well.  

Our memories and feelings are shaped by more than the people we knew and know. On the one hand we build relationships and create bonds with the people in our lives. On the other hand, people, we know and people we don’t create experiences and impressions that affect and inspire emotions and thoughts. Subsequently, these thoughts and emotions tend to color and inform our relationships and decisions regarding romance and intimacy.

I would love to know what you think of the inventory and any other comments. Next time we will look at some of those experiences and impressions. Until then this is Sean signing off. Be good to you.

Till next time: Our Blog-Lessons –12345678910111213141516