On the one hand we have been absorbing and experiencing relationship all around us. On the other hand we were never really given the opportunity to learn how to create the relationships we want and need.
The knowledge, skills and understanding needed to create and develop the relationship that encourage and support our individual growth, success and happiness.
Additionally, we experience social and cultural pressure to perform and present our personalities and achievements, rather than express and trust ourselves honestly and openly with vulnerability and openness.
As adults we are coaxed into leaving our parental home and explore the world, outside our comfort zones and our familial security. In this time of growth and discovery, we find ourselves yearning for understanding, comfort and support from those around us.
Consequently, we begin to create new relationships and deal with both ourselves and others. All the while we are seeking approval, love and affection.
Our experience with ourselves, others and the world around us can be challenging and less than perfect. Ultimately, most of us discover:
These in turn are expressed in our relationships to others and towards ourselves. In their expression we often experience unsatisfying and uncomfortable conversations and interactions with others which can reinforce our negative expectations. With practice, we can learn to communicate, trust and release the above as our awareness and relationships mature.
Simply put, our understanding of the world and ourselves blossoms and we strive for a stable foundation on which we can create new communication skills and approaches which support and encourage our happy healthy adult intimate (HHIA) relationships
That’s all for now!
This is Sean. Think a bit about your motivations (and the motivations of those who are important to you) this week and see what happens.
Sean here, back again! And, we are going to go one step further and look at how we express and process while pursuing camaraderie, commitment, affection, and HHIA relationships.
In other words, we are pondering who we are and what we share with each other.
From early childhood, we have been naming ourselves and others, telling stories, including recognizing, expressing and learning our truth and the truths of others and creating memories.
Ultimately, as time passes these names, stories and truths are:
Created
Reimagined
Expressed
Received
Spoken
Appreciated
Voiced
Witnessed
Stated as Fact
Understood
Realized
Told
Heard
Declared
Imagined
Repeated
In other words, through our names, stories and memories we begin to create a history which we repeat and remember in our words, actions, and relationships.
As we meet people and experience them, we find and experience ourselves as well. These experiences are often filled with feelings and thoughts which encourage us to remember and retell our own and our shared stories to each other and to others. And with the others, we create (new) strories and shared experiences through the telling and hearing the others names, stories, and truths.
On the one hand, we express our attractions and attachment through our: anecdotes, narratives, and tales. On the other hand, our statements, descriptions and reports help us to identify and establish ourselves in the world and in our relationships.
History is a cyclic poem written by time upon the memories of man.
In due course, our memories, truths, stories, and names come together to forge our understanding of ourselves and others including our her/history. In Fact, our her/history is a collection of his/her-stories including:
Personal his/her-story
Family her/history
Academic his/her-story
Work her/history
Friendship his/her-story
Relationship her/history
Local his/her-story
National her/history
Cultural his/her-storyy
Social her/history
Human his/her-story
Bearing this in mind, we can better initiate and develop relationships with those around us and people we meet throughout our lives. Giving space to our individual, shared, and divergent histories can be a boon to our communication and connections to allow greater trust, understandnig and intmacy.
Another advantage to this way of honoring ourselves and others is that we are able to approach each other with trust and faith. In other words we can meet in a state of belief and truth accepting ourselves and the others statements as part of us. We can, of course, further explore and examine our beliefs, memories and histories as an enriching and intimate experience rather than a competition to achieve or prove something that may or may not support us in relationship.
The past is malleable and flexible, changing as our recollection interprets and re-explains what has happened.
This is Sean! We are here pondering how we communicate while pursuing friendship, devotion, love, and HHIA relationships.
In other words, we are concentrating on who we are and what we share with each other. We have been looking at names (54), stories (55) and the value of recognizing, expressing and living our truth (56) and honoring the truths of others.
Our memory is a more perfect world than the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist.
And now, we are ready to explore expanding our experiences and sharing our time and thoughts with others. Ultimately, in this process we begin to make memories. Memories are a mix of history, experiences, feelings and perspective.
Memories are simultaneously unique & individual and shared & communal.
On the one hand memories are, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder. On the other hand, memories can be a communal intimate shared experience.
I feel you!
How exactly do we create memories? We create memories through and with emotions. An Emotional Atlas offers a list of 5 emotions:
We make memories with intent and mindfulness. Alternatively, we can create shared memories by doing just that, sharing our intention and appreciation. Some instances include:
Everything done with intent and mindfulness can create a memory and be shared with someone. While we are on the subject, making and sharing positive memories helps to build relationships, intimacy and trust.
What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined – to strengthen each other – to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories.
Sean here again! Here we are considering how we express ourselves when seeking our attention, affection, intimacy and HHIA relationships.
In other words, we are focusing on who we are and what we share with each other. We have gone through names and naming things, as well as, the types of stories we tell ourselves and others.
As we tell our stories and give names to things it is important to consider the truth of the moment and the intention of our expression. Is our intention to entertain, explain or instruct? What is the background and context of our communication and conversations?
Objectively, there is no such thing as The Truth. At the same time, there is our knowledge, experience, understanding, and perspective. These help to create our “Truth”
One truth is that we often exaggerate, forget, and/or leave out some details some times. A few questions to help to recognize our own level of trust & truth in our lives are as follows:
How often do I recognize and/or convey that I may exaggerate, forget, and/or leave out some details?
Are we able to accept the truth for ourselves and each other?
How honest are we with ourselves and our circle of colleagues, family, friends and intimate partners?
Do I feel safe to share my truth with my surroundings?
Can I hear and accept the truth of those around me?
On the one hand we need to feel safe to express our truth. On the other hand, we need to experience the truth to feel safe with ourselves and others. Unfortunately, we are taught, learn and experience lots of ways to avoid truths we find uncomfortable, unpleasant, vulnerable or exposed.
A variety of methods that we have learned and feel justified to use in our society “to protect ourselves and others from the TRUTH” include:
Ultimately, both trust and authenticity are important in creating intimacy and a sense of safety in relationships. These go hand in hand with the truth and being as honest as we can with ourselves and each other.
By being as honest and truthful with each other as we can, we can begin to create truly intimate and enriching experiences together.
That’s all for now!
This is Sean. Tell your truth to yourself and listen to your truth and the truths of those who are important to you this week and see what happens.
This is Sean! We are back and exploring how we express ourselves in pursuit of attention, affection, intimacy and HHIA relationships.
In other words, we are looking at who we are and what we share others. Once we have given our name(s) away, we begin to fill in information about us, around us, from within and from history with stories.
Our stories come from somewhere. We all have stories that we share and stories that we keep close to our hearts. Most of the stories we tell help to inform the people we meet and the people we pursue as well as our partners, friends and family. What these stories tell other about ourselves is varied and dependent on the interest and understanding of those listening to our stories.
All these stories expounding our thoughts and experiences in the world, in our families, at work and in life in general, help us to connect with others. As a result, we are able to share both our experiences and our inner thoughts about the things we see, hear, touch feel and taste.
On the one hand being human beings puts us on equal footing with everyone around us, if we wish to be. And, on the other hand, sharing our unique perspectives and interpretations of our everyday experiences, we find both connection and intimacy with each other.
Mirror Mirror
Ultimately, telling our stories to each other and to ourselves helps us to see our reflection in the world and those around us. In other words, we are reflected by those around us who hear our stories. And simultaneously, we mirror our story teller’s thoughts and feelings as we listen to them.
It is through our stories that we establish who we are and our place in our world and the lives of those around us. Our stories connect us to one another on a primal level while allowing us to express our uniqueness and affection for one another.
Intimately, the stories we share can give each other greater insight & understanding, as well as, tenderness & affection when we –
The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.
This is Sean! We are here to explore how we express ourselves and communicate with others in our pursuit of attention, affection, intimacy and relationship (even HHIA Relationships). In other words we are going to be looking at who we are and how we share this with others.
To Start
As with most relationships, most interactions begin with eye or physical contact and then perhaps a face?and/or gesture. These are most commonly followed by one or a few words.
This sound relatively simple. However, words can be a tricky thing. On the one hand, words require breathing, mouth gymnastics, vocal expression and intention. And on the other hand, we need both ear and auditory function as well as cognitive understanding of the language being projected at us.
And that’s just a few of the top of my head. In fact, we are constantly being exposed to input from the world around us. And, simultaneously, we are in constant competition with the world around us for the attention, recognition and understanding of those around us.
Honestly, words, tone and volume make a big impression. As do vocabulary, pronunciation and accents. No one can guarantee which ones work best with whom. However, we can get a feel for a variety of things through practice and experimentation with volume, speed and repetition.
I read in a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I’ve never been able to believe it. I don’t believe a rose WOULD be as nice if it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage.
Once we have gotten through our first encounter, we tend to continue to interact and often exchange information. Our Name is among the first pieces of information we often share.
Names are a funny thing. We have all kinds of names and significators which help people to identify and interact with us. These include:
As much as we may enjoy names and naming, it is important that we listen to our partners and ourselves as we consider what we choose to call ourselves and one another.
This is Sean. Think about what people call you… try perhaps a new name, title or pronoun on for size for yourself (and pay attention to the names of those who are important to you) this week and see what happens.
Now, we are ready to talk about us! In other words, how we express ourselves is our focus this time around.
Whether we are meeting someone for the very first time, hooking up, or spending time with our spouse, a big part of our experience has to do with how we present ourselves in the moment.
On the one hand we want to make a good impression, most of the time. On the other hand, we want to be authentically ourselves, most of the time. So the question is, how do we do that?
By introductions and first meetings, repeating the other person’s name makes it is easier to remember!
Overtime
As we get to know people better and more intimately our interest and attention tend to increase. At the same time, we are often being our “best” selves and making an effort to create rapport and build a connection.
Simply put, we are constantly creating and maintaining relationships with those around us. How these relationships develop is up to us and our “partners”.
All of our words, actions and experiences accumulate of a life time to help create and establish each of us in our own uniqueness and individuality.
Sean here again! And, we are exploring our senses in our HHIA relationships. Our senses include touch, sight, sound, taste and smell! We have been looking at touch, sight & sound, and smell, including several exercises. These exercises encourage and support our intimacy and pleasure.
All exercises can be experienced with a partner and/or solo.
Sense (and sensibility)
Our last sense (and sensibility) is taste. Our sense of taste is closely related to our sense of smell but is differentiated a bit differently. We have essentially five distinct tastes which most of us can distinguish and enjoy to a variety of degrees:
Sweet: sugar, honey, syrup, candy, cakes and confections,
In addition to our five primary tastes, we mix and meld them like our primary colors to create flavors and delight for our tongues. A good example of this is our use of cocoa which is bitter to begin with. We can mix it with sugar, milk and even salt to create all kind of flavors and tastes to please almost everyone. And those who have no interest in cocoa can go straight to “white chocolate” which has no cocoa at all.
Secondary factors in our savory experiences include texture and temperature. In other words, how foods (and perhaps friends, lovers, partners or spouses) feel in our mouths and to our tongues affects how they taste. In other words , flavor is one thing and the overall physical, tactile, chewing , swallowing and aftertaste are another.
Like “Goldie Locks” we are always trying and tasting things to find which one is “just right”; not too hard or too soft, not too hot or too cold, not too salty or too sweet.
Tastings can be a great way to get to know ourselves and our partners better. With just a little dialogue and a bit of creativity we can create a burst of flavor and experience. We can have this be as sensual, sexy or serious as we choose as an individuals, pairs or groups.
It is important to remember that taste include touch and therefore verbal consent and clear understanding and communication are essential for us to come together. On the one hand, to share a bit of food and fun. And on the other hand, to share intimacy, trust, and ourselves.
Taste is so much more than experiencing flavors. In English Taste is also an individual preference, a sensibility and an appreciation of the word around us. It includes making choices and choosing to be our authentic selves and accepting the authentic selves of those around us.
When we do this, we are able to express and experience the great variety of our experience, society & cultures, and potential relationships, in a wholistic and sensible fashion. And at the same time we can explore all of the things which turn us on and excite us about ourselves and others.
And we are back! Sean here! And, we are expanding our understanding of our senses in our HHIA relationships. Our senses include touch, sight, sound, taste and smell! We have looked at touch, sight and sound, including several exercises we can experience with our partners and ourselves. These exercises encourage and support our intimacy and pleasure.
All exercises can be experienced with a partner and/or solo.
And now, we are ready to consider how smell comes into play in our attractions and HHIA Relationships. This time we are going to talk a sense that is often overlooked or goes unspoken with regard to our attractions, romance and intimate exploration.
In other words, we are going to open up about smells. Odors and scents tend to be private, quiet and often shameful in our society and various cultures. We spend thousands of euros a year to cover, modify and/or disguise our natural scents and smells.
Nose & Mouth
Actually, our senses of smell and taste are very closely related. Breathing is essential for life and relatively constant. When we breathe through our noses we experience the scents and smells around us. These can range from seductive to repulsive, from pleasant to unpleasant, and from encouraging to discouraging. Interestingly, most of us are quite shy about communicating our less than positive odiferous experiences.
You have to see and smell and feel the circumstances of people to really understand them.
Pleasant, seductive, positive scents are all the rage! Our society and life in clise quarters in the city has encouraged us to mask and modify our natural scent with deodorant, toilet water, aftershave, scented lotions and perfumes. We really do enjoy those scents we enjoy! Just consider all the perfume, cologne and scented oils we test, buy, wear and share. There is something about the way we smell. On the one hand, we are conditioned not to talk about unpleasant smells. On the other hand we are constantly being encouraged to destry, cover and mask any and all natural human scents.
Our personal scent and pheromones are signals to our community; partners and potential partners. These pheromones signal our arousal, encourage sympathy and ovulation. Direct evidence of human pheromones is still being searched for in the scientific community. At the same time there is plenty of evidence that our scents is a significant factor in attraction and stimulation.
Personal hygiene and good scents are intricately related. Washing and Rinsing our bodies after working out, working hard, stressful situations, gardening and other strenuous activities. However, in our modern office and urban lives the need for constant soap and scrubbing to keep clean is for many of us no longer a necessity.
A very sensitive and personal smell is our breath: the good, the bad and the… Since ancient times we have been chewing mint, herbs, candies, mints with ingredients including cardamom, ambergris, musk, essence of violet, essence of rose, licorice or oil of cinnamon; mouthwash made of alcohol, thymol, eucalyptol and menthol, and brushing our teeth with everything from natron to cardamom to encourage fresher breath. Today we are encouraged to brush our teeth at least twice a day and more. Personal Oral Hygiene is an essential part of our human attraction. Be sure to care for your teeth, tongue, lips and gums. It will go a long way to keep your breath fresher and attractive.
Contemplation & Comfort
We can also experience scents, aromas, fragrances and bouquets together or solo: We can share: soaps, lotions, incense, candles, wine, perfumes, scents, oils , flowers and any other scented or natural smells in our world. We can make a game of it with blindfolds or intimate spaces allowing us to be engulfed by the experience. Our choices range from choosing our favorites to share or exploring new scents together. All of these can be both enriching and enlightening as we learn more and more about each other, ourselves and our preferences and passions.
Smell the roses. Smell the coffee. Whatever it is that makes you happy.
One the one hand we want to share ourselves and our experiences. On the other hand, we want to experience our partner, their preferences and pleasures. Discovering fragrances and scents together can be a wonderfully intimate and playful experience. Sharing and discussing our preferences, pleasures and memories is always a positive experience for an HHIA relationship. This is true whether our preferences, passions and pleasures are shared in the moment or not. Ultimately, the creation of a communicative and safe mutual environment for ourselves and our partners is priceless and generates new shared memories.
This is Sean. Try sharing some time and something special with yourself (and those who are important to you) this week and see what happens.
(You can always contact me for more concrete suggestions.)
And we are back! This is Sean and we are exploring our senses in our HHIA relationships. Our senses include touch, sight, sound, taste and smell! We have looked at touch, including several exercises we can experience with our partners and ourselves. These exercises help us to enhance and support our intimacy and pleasure.
Again, all of the exercises we are exploring can be experienced with a partner and/or solo.
This time we are going to expound on two senses which are more easily modulated and more readily experience without control in our daily lives. In other words we are going to talk about sight and sound. Sight is almost automatic for most of us. We can adjust the light or close our eyes if we want to, however most of the time our eyes are open and we are exposed to the world around us. This is part of most of our waking lives.
In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.
This is another simple silent exercise. We can share a visual intimacy with a partner or ourselves with minimal preparation and scheduling. In just 5 minutes we can find a safe space, calm and visual intimacy. Simply put, we can schedule a 5 minute window and be: together with ourselves and/or our partners. With a partner the physical component can include:
looking into each other’s eyes
smiling at each other
make faces at each other
being
silly,
serious
seductive
taking turns closing our eyes
allowing our partner to observe us; our posture and features
adjust the light –
experience
the dark
shadows
daylight
overhead lights
candle light
screen light
This can include any light sources you may have and wish to share.
Contemplation & Comfort
Contemplate the effect of different light on our comfort, our eyes and our partners. If we are playing solo, then we can use a mirror and express/experience all of the same practice with ourselves. Ultimately, it is most important that we enjoy the silence; together.
(If 5 minutes seems daunting, start with 1 minute and increase the number of minutes over time.)
What is important is the intention and commitment to the process and not the time itself. In other words, counting the seconds and “watching the clock” to ensure that we make it to 5 minutes minimizes the intimate effect of the experience.
Sitting together in a quiet space, we can explore the sound of our voice and how it feels to make and hear the sounds that come out of our mouths. We can:
Another option we have to share with ourselves and our partners is music.
We can experience music together or solo: We can share: favorite songs, bands, genres. Adjust volume, treble and base. Listen to spoken word, audiobooks, podcasts, or radio plays. All of these can be both enriching and enlightening as we learn more and more about each other, ourselves and our preferences and passions.
One the one hand we want to share ourselves and our experiences. On the other hand we want to experience our partner, their preferences and pleasures. Auditory exchange is a great way to do this. Keep in mind that sharing and discussing our preferences and pleasures is always a positive experience for a relationship. This is true whether our preferences, passions and pleasures are shared in the moment or not. Ultimately, the creation of a communicative and safe mutual environment for ourselves and our partners is priceless.
All the activities described can be utilized at any time and anywhere we feel safe and supported by our partners. In other words, once we have established trust and respect in our relationships, we can whisper sweet nothings, look into each other’s eyes, smile at each other, listen to each other, share our thoughts and ideas any where and any time. So take a chance and try telling each other… something special.
This is Sean. Try sharing some time and something special with yourself (and those who are important to you) this week and see what happens.
(You can always contact me for more concrete suggestions.)
