Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 22

Body (1)

Here is Sean, back again. This time we are going to get out of our heads a bit and explore our own bodies and how they look and feel.

It is important for us to recognize, know and understand our bodies and how they/we respond to external information and impulses.

Photo by Ivan Naunov on Scopio

Similarly, to our minds, thoughts and emotional memories, our bodies have memories as well.

Body Memory

In other words, our bodies remember both “positive/pleasurable/happy” and “negative/painful/traumatic” memories.  This suggests that our pleasure and our feelings of attraction, excitement pleasure may be related to actual physical events we have experienced in our pasts. These events may or may not have been intentional or directly related to our intimate lives.

Our experience of the body is not direct; rather, it is mediated by perceptual information, influenced by internal information, and recalibrated through stored implicit and explicit body representation (body memory).

Giuseppe Riva, Cortex
Volume 104, July 2018, Pages 241-260

Therefore, I am going to describe a few exercises to help us access knowledge and understanding of our own bodies. Read each exercise to the end of the description before you begin. Then as you remember the exercise, experience it for yourself.

Photo by Sonya Peacocke on Scopio

Body-Scan

  • Sit comfortably or lie down.
  • Close your eyes.
  • Think about your feet and be aware of your toes for a moment…relax
  • Think about and be aware of your ankles for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your calves for a moment and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your knees for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your thighs for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your hips for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your buttocks for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your pelvis for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your lower back for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your stomach for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your chest for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your upper-back for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your hands for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your forearms for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your elbows for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your upper arms for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your shoulders for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your neck for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your Jaw for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your tongue for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your chin for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your lips for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your nose for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your eyes for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your forehead for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your whole face for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your ears for a moment…and relax
  • Think about and be aware of your head for a moment…and relax
  • And now, be aware of your whole body for a moment…and relax
  • Well Done! Now you are in your body, relaxed and aware.
Photo by Ghassan Hannoof on Scopio

Hands

Now, I want you to hold your hands. How do they feel? Are they warm or cold? Are they damp or dry? In other words, do you like how they feel? What are you aware of?

  • Now, hold them tighter,
  • now lighter,
  • cross your finger together.
  • Feel your hands,
  • touch your fingernails with your fingers,
  • lightly press your palms together,
  • touch the back of your dominant hand, caress your “submissive” hand.
  • Consider how they feel to you, as well as, how your touch feels.
  • Switch hands and experience the process again.
Photo by Juan Pablo Lopez Rostro on Scopio

Heart

Again, sitting or lying down.

  • Lay your hands on your chest. In the middle over your heart/breastbone.
  • Let them lay there.
  • Breathe.
  • Feel your chest move as your lungs fill with air…
  • and exhale. Feal your chest as you exhale.
  • Do this for about a minute minute.
  • Be aware of your breath and your chest.
  • Now notice your hands.

Importantly, how do your hands feel? Are they heavy or light, warm or cool? Which hand is on your chest and which is on your hand?  

(The lists, exercises, and these blog-lessons are maintained in a google and family friendly format. For more information, vocabulary, more intimate or direct language, please contact me.)

My Body: Instructions on how to find, build, maintain, repair, and/or improve your Healthy (Happy) Intimate HHIA Relationships with yourself and others.
Photo by Marjon Paul Barnezo on Scopio

Enough 4 Now

Ultimately, I think we have done enough exploration for now. If you want more or have something to share please contact me. This is Sean saying „Be Safe, Love Yourself and Be Well!“ Till next time!

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Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 21

Mindset

Sean here! Back in the saddle and looking forward.

We are back to continue towards our best selves and our best relationships. In other words, we are here to learn and lead from our experiences towards our goals and desires.   

With our recognition and examination of our past and present experiences as well as the best, worst and inspiring interactions and intimate experiences, we are now ready to go one step further and look at our wants and desires. 

Let’s get down to brass tacks:

Photo by Lucas Lorizio

Where is your head at?

When you look inward, what do you see as the ideal life/relationship? On the one hand how independent are you? How much „me time“ do you need? How much do you have? On the other hand how much couple time, social time, group time do you find most comfortable?

Are you single? Or are you in a relationship? Are you married?

Relationship status is often just another label, a status symbol to help us make sense of the world.

Firstly, singles often get to make their own decisions and choose for themselves alone.

Secondly, people in relationships have an affininty and an expressed responsibility or fealty to one or more others depending on the nature of the relationship.

Thirdly, married people are really established in their positions as being governmentally and socially recognized as being related to another person with whom they are attached financially and legally.

Ultimately, this is a pretty big deal for most of us. Where do you see yourself in an ideal world?

Photo by Juan Pablo Lopez Rostro

Do you feel loved?

Love is something that we feel for ourselves and others. Hopefully we love ourselves as much if not more than the others in our lives. This is a really good place to start. If this is not the case, it is important to consider how and why your selflove has been diminished. This is not a “game changer” or a prerequisite for relationship building. To be clear, however, self-love is an important aspect to establishing comfort, trust and awareness of our needs and boundaries.

Are you in love?

When you think of that someone (someones) special in your life, do you feel love? Are you inspired by a feeling of attraction, respect and appreciation of the people you have around you and in your intimate daily life? Is there someone or some ideal which inspires you to such feelings and aspirations?

Photo by Mary Pcholkina

Is there romance in your life, in your mind or in your heart?

Ultimately, the above questions and thoughts are important for you and your consideration. After all of these thoughts and considerations it is time to think about “What to do?”. In this vein, how much romance do you have in your life?

Romance and romantic are extremely individual and often overblown in our media and advertising to sell the idea of being loved. In my experience romance is the act of being in love and inspiring love in yourself and others. This is my understanding of romance.

Our culture puts a lot of restrictions and fantastical expectations on romance. Between the perfect lingerie, perfect grooming, perfect timing and perfection itself we mostly fall short of the idealized and cinematic romance of our cultural expectations.

Truthfully, romance is more than “spontaneous overflowing perfect expressions of love”. Really, romance can be as small as a knowing smile or as large as sky writing “I LOVE YOU” or as simple as a small snack to share.

However, romance can also include emptying the dishwasher… because your partner is coming home late, or taking out the trash to “spruce up” the kitchen before dinner.   

Photo by Jun Pinzon

Is there romance in your schedule?

Ultimately, romance is expressing love for yourself and/or for your partner. Why shouldn’t we make time for this kind of action. We make time for so many other things. We call this scheduling.

My suggestion at this point is to look at your schedule or your week if your schedule is that open and consider where and when you want to express and inspire love this week.

This is Sean. Be good to you and inspire love when you can. I would love to hear what you think about all of this. Till next time.

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4 REAL

Healing (4)

Nothing ever becomes real ‚til it is experienced.

John Keats

Hi Y’all! This is Sean here! We are back! After looking at our firsts and our lasts! We are back again. The following exercise(s) will help to round out our experience inventories. Hence, we are going to take a fourth turn on the memory rollercoaster/carousel. We might even go three times around on this fourth round.

On the one hand our firsts helped us to look at our initial experiences. On the opther looking at our last experiences allowed us to contemplate our present reality. We are now going to look at some events in between.

Photo by Leenit Malkar on Scopio

Time after Time

In other words, we have the chance to use a different filter to look at our experiences and our memories of events which we have repeated, time after time, as well as, our interpretation of these events. That is to say, using a few superlatives we can customise our inventories to flesh out our feelings and thoughts about our intimate relationships and experiences.

In the last three Blog-Lesson we reviewed the most significant people in our lives, earliest experiences, and our most recent experiences and our memories. Hopefully these exercises were insightful and more titilating than torture.

Opposites

So, let’s to continue on our way. The next step is to choose which direction we want to focus on. Some identifier options include:

  • best – worst
  • perfect – imperfect/worst
  • funniest – most serious/boring
  • most favourite – least favourite

This is your inventory and you can choose any identifers you wish. I would recommend starting with opposites. Then you can choose how many memories you want to explore between 10 to 15. To be clear, I would again recommend giving yourself approximately an hour for the exercise. This would be between 4 to 6 minutes per memory.

Special Attention

You can also choose 5 encounters per identifier and then choose a third identifier for variety like:

  • most memorable,
  • best story,
  • secret/most private

Remember this is a meditation for you and you alone to begin with. This allows you to decide which identifiers work best for you.

And what exactly is the next step?

Photo by Jeffrey Kieffer on Scopio

This Time

We can restructure the records of our first/last experiences and select the ones you would like to revisit. For instance, with one word change. We change first to last. It could look something like this:  

  • 1. my favourite kiss
  • 2. my favourite date
  • the favourite time:
  • 3. I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • 4. I asked someone out
  • 5. I slept with someone
  • 6. my least favourite kiss
  • 7. my least favourite date
  • the least favourite time:
  • 8. I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • 9. I asked someone out
  • 10. I slept with someone
  • 11. my best kiss story
  • 12. my best date story
  • the best story about the time:
  • 13. I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • 14. I asked someone out
  • 15. I slept with someone

Something like this. This list should include events from your firsts and lasts list.

(The lists and these blog-lessons are maintained in a google and family friendly format. For more information, vocabulary, more intimate or direct language, please contact me.)

Identify

Once we have our new „indentifier“ inventory we can add the first three words that come to mind:

For example:

  • my favourite kiss = husband, first, dancing
  • my least favourite date = whiskey, art, disaster
  • the best story about the time:
  • I asked someone out = bar, bet, YES

To be clear, I would again recommend giving yourself approximately an hour for this contemplation. Do your best to be honest about the first thoughts and words you use to deepen the experience without being too judgemental.

Once you have completed your list of identified interactions with your key words:

Take a minute! Breathe! …And Smile! You have survived them as well. Congratulations!

We have done quite a bit of memories and processing!

Photo by William Shum on Scopio

Inventory Alignment

The inventory process and stepping back in your life can sometimes be a very dark process. But it also can be extremely funny and surprising.

Craig Charles

We can look at our inventories – people, firsts, lasts and defined by printing them out and laying them side by side. Looking at them and their ratings and remembering our defined – (best, worst, funniest) can help us to explore not only our histories and experiences, it can als offer us an insight into our feelings, thoughts, opinions and preferences. Additionally we can begin to understand where these thougths and feelings come from.

Memory

If you are up for it, take a look at your four lists and see where there are similarities and differences. Look at how things have changed from your first to your last experiences and what happended in between. When we put our responses side by sides we can get a picture of our development and begin to understand the “results” of our choices, both positive and negative.

Otherwise, put your inventories away and let them rest for a while. Let them be. You can come back to them later. The meditations themselves are a big step towards healing and owning our presence and voice in our relationships.

I would love to hear how things are going.

Next time we are going to think about our thought and feelings and how this affects our ability to relate.

This is Sean

“Be good to you!”

Till next time.

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Healing (3)

Experience is still the best teacher

Hello everyone! Sean here! After looking at our firsts! We are back at last! (Truthfully, it has only been a week.)

Remembering our firsts helped us to get a handle on our past. I am back to talk about our experiential learning. Two Blog-Lessons ago we looked at our earliest experiences and our memories. I hope the exercise was insightful and more pleasure than pain.

So, let’s to continue to heal. Our next step after looking at our initial experiences is to look at our current experiences. In otherwords, remembering and contemplating our experiences are key to being aware of what and how we have learned from the world around us. As we have navigated our way through the world our experiences have taught us how to interact with others and how to respond to our impulses and our own truth.

And what exactly is the next step?

Photo by Zulkifli Ampatuan on Scopio

Last Time

We can restructure our record of our first experiences. For instance, with one word change. We change first to last. It could look something like this:  

  • my last kiss
  • my last date
  • my last tongue kiss
  • my last intimate experience
  • the last time:
  • I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • I asked someone out
  • Someone gave me flowers
  • I slept with someone

and so on. This list should be as detailed and explicit as your firsts list.

(The lists and these blog-lessons are maintained in a google and family friendly format. For more information, vocabulary, more intimate or direct language, please contact me.)

Photo by Maritza Hernandez on Scopio

Last Dance

Once we have our new „last“ inventory we can rate it 1 – 5 one being fantastic and five being the opposite! In each case whatever the opposite might be: i.e. embarrassing, uncomfortable, etc. Just like the first time!

  • my last kiss = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • my last date = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • my last dance = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • my last tongue kiss = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • my last intimate experience = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • the last time:
  • I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender) = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • I asked someone out = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • Someone gave me flowers = WOW-2-3-4-5
  • I slept with someone = WOW-2-3-4-5

To be clear, I would again recommend giving yourself approximately an hour for the exercise. Do your best to be honest and fair in your evaluation (ratings) without being too judgemental.

Once you have completed your list of last experiences:

Take a minute! Breathe! …And Smile! You have survived them!

Photo by Blake Silva on Scopio

Adjectives

A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

Mark Twain

We can expand our inventory by adding our own adjective to the number one ratings and the number five (5) ratings.

This could end up looking like this:

  • My last kiss – lovely (1)
  • My last dance – ecstatic (1)
  • the last time:
  • I saw someone naked (same gender) – 3
  • I asked someone out – 2 –
  • I had a one night stand – unsatisfying (5)

This has been quite a bit of memories and processing!

Photo by Allyson Zajac on Scopio

Best for Last

If you are up for it, take a look at your two lists. and see how things have changed from your first to your last experiences. When we compare our responses to our firsts and our lasts, we can get a picture of our development and the “results” of our choices, positive and negative.

Otherwise, put your lasts away. Put them with your firsts. You can come back to them later.

I would love to hear how things look.

Next time we are going to talk about our inventories and perhaps explore the „in between“, best, worst, most…, least… or something like that. This is Sean saying “Be nice to you!” Till next time.

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Healing (2)

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Experience is the best teacher

Hello everyone! This is Sean again. I am back to talk about our experiential learning. Last time we looked at the people in our lives and took an inventory of our thoughts about them. I hope the exercise was helpful and more pleasure than pain.

And now, I look forward to our continuing to heal. The next step after looking at our relationships with people is to look at our experiences. To clarify, our experiences are the key to unlocking how and what we have learned from the world around us. As we navigate our way through the world our experiences teach us how to interact with others and how to respond to our impulses and our truth.

So how do we begin to explore our experiences?

Photo by Bycovaag Gonzalez alonso on Scopio

Firsts

First, we can create some lists, a type of inventory if you like. For instance an inventory of our firsts, or at least our first memories. It could look something like this:  

  • my first kiss
  • my first date
  • my first tongue kiss
  • my first intimate experience
  • the first time:
  • I saw someone naked (same/opposite gender)
  • I asked someone out
  • Someone bought me flowers
  • I slept with someone

and so on. This list can be as detailed and explicit as you wish it to be. I would limit the first exercise to 10 to 15 experiences/memories.

(The list above and this blog are maintained in google and family friendly format. For more information and more intimate or direct vocabulary, please contact me.)

Be Nice to You!

Be sure to be nice to yourself in this process. This is not a competition or a marathon. Be creative and supporting to yourself. Try to be light. Make a list of 10 to 15 experiences you remember.

Photo by Annelise Loughead on Scopio

WOW!

Once we have our list we can rate each one with a number 1 through 5. On the one hand a 1 being fantastic „WOW“! On the other 5 being the opposite. In each case whatever the opposite might be: i.e. embarrassing, uncomfortable, etc.

  • my first kiss = WOW-2-3-4-5 = _____________
  • my first date = WOW-2-3-4-5 = _____________
  • my first tongue kiss = WOW-2-3-4-5 = _____________
  • my first intimate experience = WOW-2-3-4-5 = ____________
  • the first time:
  • I saw someone naked (opposite gender) = WOW-2-3-4-5 = ____________
  • I saw someone naked (same gender) = WOW-2-3-4-5 = ____________
  • Someone asked someone out = WOW-2-3-4-5 = ____________
  • I received flowers = WOW-2-3-4-5 = ____________
  • I slept with someone = WOW-2-3-4-5 = ____________

I would recommend giving yourself approximately an hour for the practice. Do your best to be honest and fair in your evaluation (ratings) without being judgemental. Once you have completed your list of first experiences: Take a minute! Breathe! And Smile! You survived them!

Adjectives

We can expand our inventory by adding our own adjective to the number five (5) ratings.

This could end up looking something like this:

  • My first kiss – 5 – confusing
  • My first date – 2-
  • the first time:
  • I saw someone naked (same gender) – WOW
  • I asked someone out – 4 –

This has been quite a bit of experiences and processing for one blog-lesson. This is Sean saying “Be good to you!” Till next time.

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Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 17

Here we are, Here we go…

Learning to heal

Sean again! Last time we explored how we experience scaring and damage to our natural Lovemaps:

Photo by Fadi Dahabreh on Scopio

Recap

To recap: Most of us have grown up in a patriarchal world where we are exposed to skygod religions (Judaism, Christianity or Islam) which are invested in a patriarchal, omniscient, judgmental god. In addition, most of us have experienced rejection, loss, separation fear or embarrassment with regard to our bodies, our feelings, our affections or attractions at least in part to our environment and the people around us. 

Therefore, most of us can relate to and/or empathize with feelings of isolation, inhibition, being misunderstood, and/or unappreciated. All of these can spring from real or imagined intentions and actions of others.

This blog-lesson will begin to explore how we can start to heal and recover.   

Awareness

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance

Nathaniel Branden http://www.nathanielbranden.com/

So, how do we raise our awareness?

A good place to start is with an inventory. Therefore, the next couple of blog-lessons are going to be a bit more interactive. In other words, I am going to provide a frame/outline and you are going to be encouraged to fill in some of the blanks This will help you to get a better understanding of who you are, including how you experience and have experienced the relationships in your life.

Photo by Josh Joshua on Scopio

People in our lives

Starting with an inventory of the people in our lives. These include our first relationships and influences and continues to the people we interact with today. In order to keep things in perspective I would suggest keeping it simple. Hence, I have developed a three-word system to describe the people in your relationship history.

The idea is that is to think of each person listed in the inventory. The person or people described can be added to or subtracted depeding on you. This means, you can adapt the list to mirror your relationships and the people in your life.

Photo by Abhishek Yadav on Scopio

Instructions

  • First: you write down the name of the person you are thinking of.
  • Second: write down the first word you think of in connection with this person.
  • Third: think of a positive/plus/helpful/favorable/flattering word to describe this person, write it down.
  • Fourth: think of a negative/minus/unhelpful/critical word to describe the person, write it down.

The inventory should only take 15 to 20 minutes to complete. Do not over think it. Go with your gut, remember first throughts.

An Example

  • My first infatuation: Redhead – sleepovers – lost
  • My Boss: Independent – creative – critical

3-Word Inventory:

Person: First Thought – Plus – Minus

Earliest: First Thought – Plus – Minus

  • Mother:    ____________ – _____________ – ____________
  • Father:       ____________ – _____________ – ____________
  • Grandmother: ____________ – _____________ – ____________      
  • Grandfather:  ____________ – _____________ – _____________         
  • Close Family:  _____________ – ___________ – _____________    

Firsts: First Thought – Plus – Minus

  • Friend: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
  • Teacher:  _____________ – ____________ – ____________  
  • Infatuation:  _____________ – _____________ – ____________     
  • Romance:   _____________ – _____________ – ______________
  • Best Friend: ____________ – _____________ – _____________

  Current: First Thought – Plus – Minus             

  • Best Friend: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
  • Good Friends: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
  • Your Boss:  _____________ – _____________ – _____________      
  • Best Colleague: _____________ – _____________ – _____________
  • Child(ren): _____________ – _____________ – _____________               

Intimate: First Thought – Plus – Minus

  • 1st Intimate Relationship: ___________ – ____________ – _________ 
  • Significant HHIA Relationships: ____________ – ___________ – __________
  • Current HHIA Relationship:  ____________ – ___________ – __________       

Once you have completed the inventory, it is a good idea to let it sink in. This means putting it away for a day or two and then revisiting it.

Upon revisiting the inventory, think about the words that you chose.

Do you still agree with them? Would you like to change one or the other?  Why?

Go ahead and write down the new words. Be sure to keep the first ones and add the modifiers, if you wish. This is your private inventory. You can keep it for yourself and revisit it periodically.

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Feelings and Memories

As we look at the people in our lives and our relationships in this condensed form, we may remember experiences and feelings which have been hidden, put away or forgotten. These feelings and memories are key to our healing and learning.

This process is our first step towards understanding and enriching our relationships with ourselves and others; intimate, familial and platonic relationships as well.  

Our memories and feelings are shaped by more than the people we knew and know. On the one hand we build relationships and create bonds with the people in our lives. On the other hand, people, we know and people we don’t create experiences and impressions that affect and inspire emotions and thoughts. Subsequently, these thoughts and emotions tend to color and inform our relationships and decisions regarding romance and intimacy.

I would love to know what you think of the inventory and any other comments. Next time we will look at some of those experiences and impressions. Until then this is Sean signing off. Be good to you.

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Lovemaps (2)

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What’s next!

It’s Sean here, I am back with the question: What’s next? Last time we looked at the clinical concept of lovemaps and their natural/native development. This correlates with the development of a native language. In summation, we discussed the clinical concept of our natural lovemaps being unfettered and mature around age eight.

In an ideal environment

That is to say, we are potentially ready at eight years of age to start exploring and enjoying age appropriate love and intimate relationships with agemates. Exploring and Learning in a healthy, supportive and sexually positive and enlightened culture, society and family. Subsequently, we would all grow up well adjusted intimately, intellectually, and emotionally secure. In essence, we would be prepared for the love and loves of our lives as they present themselves.   

In the real world

The idea/concept is fantastically and wonderfully satisfying. Unfortunately, most of us do not live and are not raised in such families, societies, or cultures. The resulting effect is that our lovemaps, our “idealized and highly idiosyncratic image” of ourselves, our lovers and our relationships can and often are negatively impacted.

Lovemaps and their Distortions

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On one hand, our native lovemaps are most often mature and established by the age of eight, on the other, our love maps remain pliable yet fragile. In other words, our lovemaps are at risk of misunderstanding, avoidance, neglect, abuse, prohibition and inhibition. Our natural curiosity and affections can be purposely and/or accidentally hurt, harmed, impaired, distorted, and damaged though experiences with peers and adults as we develop from children to adults and beyond.

…sexuoerotic development is blanketed by an avoidance taboo.

Lovemaps, John Money
Photo by Arianna Lee on Scopio

Our schools, churches, peer groups, and even our homes can be sources of censorship, punishment and embarrassment around the issues of intimacy, affection, and nudity. Sexuoerotic development is often willfully ignored or discounted as innappropriate or unnecessary. Any negative experiences in these areas can adversely impact our lovemaps and our desire or ability to express ourselves comfortably and honestly with not only our friends, family and partners, but also potentially with ourselves as well.

Hurt and Healing

Through these experiences our native lovemaps become injured. As with physical injuries, our “lovemap” injuries must heal. Through the healing process we often develop scars. These scars are reminders of our experiences, our injuries and our healing. In a sense, these “love” scars can be thought of as our own special intimate and sacred knowledge. The truth of both our inherent and instinctive intimate desires as well as our acquired affections and intimate interests.

Lovemap defacement my be extensive, but total obliteration is unlikely.

Lovemaps, John Money
Photo by Rafael Colin on Scopio

The result of our experiences, both positive and negative, in our childhood and adolescent years into adulthood continue to shape and inform our lovemaps throughout our lives. It is never to late to heal and recover. Healing ourselves and our intimate lives. This is part of the process towards establishing a healthy happy intimate adult (HHIA) relationships. We can do this at any age and in every moment.

In this moment, I am going to say „bye till next time“. Next time we will look at where and how we begin to heal. This is Sean signing off.  

It would be great to hear your thoughts!

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Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 15

Lovemaps (1)

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How did we get here?

Hey I am back. Sean here! After looking at „Where we come from“ in the last blog-lesson. This time we are going to look at „How we got here“ from a clinical perspective (lovemap). Hence another perspective on attraction, desire and preference. The ideas and concepts we are going to explore fill up more than a couple of books.

The premier book, “Lovemaps” by Dr. John Money is a very detailed clinical examination of the concept of Lovemaps; “…an idealized and highly idiosyncratic image”. In other words, lovemaps “…depict your idealized lover and what a as a pair, you do together in the idealized, romantic, erotic and sexualized relationship.” 

Our lovemaps can be correlated to our native languages. On the one hand, they develop naturally and are completely individual. On the other, they are peppered with familial, social, cultural and environmental input. “A lovemap exists in mental imagery first, in dreams and fantasies, and then maybe translated into action with a partner or partners.”

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Biology or Environment

Clinical research quoted by Dr. Money suggests that our Lovemaps begin in Utero before we are born. This is reflected in hormone research which manipulates the levels of the three “sex hormones”: progesterone, testosterone and estradiol.  

These hormones occur in both male and female development. Boys and girls have all three, just with different levels or ratios.

Research suggests that our preferences and behavior are at the very least, influence if not established in the unborn brain. The quoted studies include mammals mentioning sheep and monkeys. 

The masculinity and femininity of the brain can be affected by testosterone and estradiol levels. In this vein, our perception of ourselves and our attraction to others begins in our brains in our mother’s wombs before we are even born.

An example of this is the recording of a male erection by sonogram. Up to now we do not have any way of recording the corresponding female vulval vasalcongestion.

After we are born, we continue to present such reactions, again more readily recognized in boys. This happens both when we are awake and when we are asleep. This often occurs in REM sleep which is associated with dreaming.

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Zero to Five

Sooner or later during the first year of life we recognize the sensual nature of our genitals in response to rubbing, squeezing, touching, and so on. Following this discovery, around three or four children begin to show flirtatious rehearsal play. This is most often patterned after models in our social environment including seen on TV and computer screens. This behavior is often directed at parents or older children.  

Around five, or even earlier in kindergarten and preschool, we begin to have a larger number of “agemates”. This allows flirtatious play to become playmate romances, often boyfriend/girlfriend playmate romances.

Consequently the development of our lovemaps can include playmate sexual rehersal behavior including kissing, playing doctor, or other intimate expressions depending on our eperiences and environment. Ethnic and cultural differences can influence these behaviors as well.

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Eight is Enough

Ultimately about eight years old two partners participating in sexual rehearsal play may become bonded in what could be called a love affair. And at this point children seem to have established what Dr. John Money calls a “native lovemap”. A native lovemap is a correlate to a native language which develops naturally both biologically and environmentally through experience, ability and our environmental input. In short our lovemaps, our native love maps are mature around the age eight.

What happens next is our topic for the next Blog-lesson. I hope this has been interesting, informative and gives you something to think about. It would be great to know what you think about the concept of love maps.  More about me.     

Till next time: Our Blog-Lessons –123456789101112131415

Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy Intimate HHIA Relationships 14

All about you

Sean here again and it is time to change direction or focus just a bit. We have been talking about life and love, relationships and attraction in the abstract. In other words, we have been exploring all of these things in universal terms.

Now it is time to talk about and think about you specifically. In other words, a bit of self-exploration about where and how some of the things we have already come into your hear, your mind, your body and your consciousness.

You see we are all a combination of genetics, upbringing, socialization and a variety of information and stimulus from the outside world combined with our reception, perception and interpretation of those impulses.

Self Exploration

Let’s start with your perception of your body, your physical self. This is sort of where we left off last time with the “Timing” of our bodies and the changes we experience during our lives.

The first question we need to explore to understand ourselves is:

Photo by Lola Melani

Where do I come from?

This is a personal variation on the question: Where do babies come from?

The most basic and focused answer to this question is that you were created when a sperm cell entered an egg cell. Subsequently these two cells merge and divide to create a new you.

From this instant a variety of  variables start to come into play. You are affected from the beginning by your mother’s and father’s biology through DNA and genetic combinations. Furthermore, the relationship between your biological mother and father and their feelings about your existence is important to your earliest development.

In other words, you are affected by every action or your mother. While still in the womb you expeience the world through her. These actions include food consumption, exercise, and sleep patterns. Additionally her use of caffeine, sugar, vitamins, alcohol, nicotine and medication impact you in vivo. Furthermore, your mother’s physical and emotional stress comes into play. In short, all of this impacts you before you are even born.

Separated at birth

Birth is your first separation from your entire universe, your mother. 

This can be a natural, medical, or drug induced process that can take a relatively short to an excruciatingly long time. These factors as well as our maturity at birth, approximately 7 to 10 months, have a further affect on our early development.

Then comes the input from our caregivers:

  • Breastfeeding, or not  
  • immediate or delayed response to crying
  • attention and affection
  • helicoptering or absenteeism

All of these have a great effect on your perception of the world from before you can remember.

As a child you have firsts: steps, words, day of school, friendships, and relationships. First, your relationships start with your parent(s), siblings, and extended family. Secondarily, your relationships continue to broaden to your neighbors, your teachers, other children, boys & girls and even your pets and other animals you meet in the world. Thus, influencing how you expand and progress in the world and how you perceive and respond to the world around you as an adult.    

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Self-aware not Self-centered

In this vein, contemplating and reflecting on these experiences and relationships can help you to better understand and process your thoughts and feelings. Certainly this includes the people in your life, your friendships, and relationships as well as your thoughts and feelings in these situations and with these people both in the past and today.  

And your thoughts?

This was Sean and that’s enough to think about for one Blog-Lesson.   Next time we are going to continue to explore how you develop desires and preferences with regard to intimate relationships. More about me.  

Till next time: Our Blog-Lessons –123456789101112131415

Healthy Happy Intimate Adult Relationship, Uncategorized

Healthy Happy HHIA Relationships 13

Time and Time Again

Reality Check – Body (2)

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Time After Time

I am back. This time to talk about just that: Time and its affect on our bodies, lives and relationships. Our last Blog lesson was focused on our bodies in the world and our interactions on the material plane. Now I want to talk about the time we spend here. What we do with it and what time does to us.

Ooh Baby Baby

We all start out as babies, and infants become toddlers, toddlers grow into children, children turn in to youths and the adolescents develop into adults.

Adolescence is where our bodies, minds and spirits begin to mature and become more gendered and we begin to emotionally identify with older, more mature members of our family, community or society. We call this time in our lives Puberty. 

Puberty

Puberty: Physical changes in girls start around 10 or 11 with most girls showing signs of change by 13. In boys the physical changes start at 12 or 13 with most boys showing changes by 14. 

Puberty is signaled in girls with and the development of secondary gender attributes including breasts, pubic and armpit hair, and a broadening of the hips, resulting in the beginning of their menstral cycles.

Whereas puberty in boys secondary gender attributes begin with testicle and penis growth, followed by pubic and armpit hair, muscle development, facial hair and vocal changes. Sexual maturity is signaled by ejaculation.

At this point, biologically both boys and girls are physically mature. This means we are in most cases able to reproduce.

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Adulthood

Biologically most of us are able to reproduce naturally for approximately 20 to 30 years. And at some point often between 16 and 21 years of age we are recognized as adults by our parents, peers, friends, family, community and the law.

For instance, as adults our bodies tend to respond according to what we do, the choices we make and the events we experience.  In other words, if we are active, watch our nutritional intake, and care for our bodies, most of us create and maintain a fit, healthy and attractive body.  This is what many, if not most of us aspire to, to one degree or another.  

In time we learn what we like, what we need, what we want and who we are. All of these things tend to fluctuate and develop over time and affect what appeals to us. As such, what we are looking for and offering as a partner changes overtime.  

For example many of us hear the ticking of our biological clock, which is our society’s euphemism for our ability and desire to reproduce; to have and raise children. Having children for most women includes pregnancy, and child birth. Many if not most men are biologically regulated to the sideline and act as a supporting character in this period; approximately 9 months of pregnancy.    

Menopause and Manopause (Andropause)? Advancing Age

Subsequently, the next biological marker for women tends to be menopause which is a process when women’s bodies mature further. Through this process a woman’s hormones change and the menstrual cycle comes to an end. This occurs, generally between 45 and 60 years of age with the average age being 51 years of age. (More information is available.)

Meanwhile, men experience a similar biological maturity. Although it corresponds, in time, with the changes women experience, the biology is a bit different. Men typically experience a reduction of testosterone after they turn 40. This occurs at an average of 1% per year according to the Mayo Clinic. Men may experience the effect of this in their late 40s or 50s. However, most men continue into an advanced age to maintain testosterone levels in a normal range. (More Information is available.)

And this is just the first half if we are lucky. More & More from WebMD

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Telling Time after Time

And that was a quick review of our biological time. Time is however all we have, really. And no matter how much we have left relationships and connection is an essential part of the experience.  

We have other ways of telling time. We have clocks, calendars, and diaries. With these we measure seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. Other measurements of time include dates, holidays, seasons, birthdays, anniversaries, lifetimes and relationships.

Relationships are also experience time. A rhythm and a process of maturing.

Many of us experience time in relationships differently. We calculate and remember the day we meet, the number of dates we have had, our first kiss, all of our firsts. And then we start to calculate things. Things like:

When will we…? When will he/she/they…..?  How long has it been since…..?

So many calculations. Most of these can be managed though simple communication.

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Do we want to…? Do you want to..? Let’s….?

These kinds of questions can help us to stay in the moment and thereby keeping our focus on ourselves and our loved one’s in the room or on the phone, computer or tablet.

And my time is up! I would really enjoy hearing your thoughts. This is Sean! Until next time. Cheers! More about me.